Chapter 19: My Signal Reception Is Way Too Good (Not a Compliment)
I said it. I actually said itâI told her!
I told Tsubasa-chan I like her!!
"Futaba-san, listen. I told Tsubasa-chan how I feel!"
"...You got all worked up and told her to take you?"
"I told her I like her!"
We were at that usual burger joint after school, and I was telling Futaba-san the gist of what happened yesterday.
Honestly, I didnât want to tell her anything. Itâs a memory meant to be just between me and Tsubasa-chan⊠but still, itâs a fact that Futaba-san set the stage for it all.
So this report is a duty. Yeah, a duty.
Itâs not because my heart is too small to keep something this big stuffed in my chest pocket or anything. Just⊠a little bit.
Receiving these feelings that were spilling out of my metaphorical pocket, Futaba-sanâas usualâdidnât move a muscle on her expressionless face.
"So, you confessed and slept with her?"
"Itâit wasn't a confession, okay?!"
She just blurts out shameless stuff with zero tact or emotional sensitivity. Itâs like reading too much Dazai warped her brain into an STD.
"...So itâs just physical between you two?"
"Itâs an emotional connection!"
"Mmgh."
I shoved a hamburger into her pervy mouth to shut up that chatty little thing. If sheâs not talking, at least I donât have to deal with how unbearable her face is.
"...Youâve got a rotten personality, Futaba-san."
Sheâs always annoying.
Even now, sheâs just enjoying the whole situation.
âŠJust like that time she gave me the push I needed to make up with Tsubasa-chan.
"Munch munch, gulp. Kishine, suddenly jamming it in my mouth like that... so indecent."
And that, right there, is what makes her the worst.
Her word choices are truly atrocious.
Her personalityâs trash too, so the only redeeming thing about her is how observant she is of others.
But even thatâwhen paired with her mean-spirited nature that nitpicks peopleâs flawsâturns her into a full-blown mockery monster. Sheâs the kind of person who, if she ends up single and jobless, could become one of those dangerous ânothing to loseâ types.
"The only indecent thing here is your imagination, Futaba-san! I told you itâs platonic!"
"Kishine, youâve got a high sex drive, so you get hysterical quickly. Itâs annoying. Tsubasa should handle that for you."
"You always say stuff like that. Youâre the worst."
Why does she always try to make me and Tsubasa-chan do lewd stuff?
She likes Tsubasa-chan too, doesnât she?
âŠIs it because sheâs a pervert?
"Then let me ask you this."
She brushed off my protests like usual, in one ear and out the other.
I was about to get annoyed like always, but before I could, she continued calmly, like nothing had happened.
"Kishine, what would you do if Tsubasa and I kissed?"
"...I'd kill you."
She asked such a ridiculous question, I ended up giving a ridiculous answer. Maybe when the premise is broken, the answer naturally follows.
"Sudden death threat. Iâm shaking in my boots."
"Even though youâre expressionless?"
"Kishine, youâre serious."
What the hell does Futaba-san even think I am?
Even if Iâm rotten, Iâm still Tsubasa-chanâs friend. At most, Iâd hang her in a swimsuit from the school gate.
But ignoring my inner vow, Futaba-san continued speaking.
As if there was an inevitable conclusion waiting.
"But if you canât forgive that, then you do understand."
Futaba-sanâs face was still blank.
But she had one obvious difference from Tsubasa-chan.
Her eyes.
Tsubasa-chanâs eyes are always clear and see-through, but not Futaba-sanâs.
In place of her unmoving face, her eyes do a lot of talking.
Right now, theyâre dull and half-lidded. Thatâs her âIâm so done with youâ look.
She has no idea how I feelâŠ
"...I said it at the beginning, didnât I? I told Tsubasa-chan I like her."
"Was that... a confession?"
"...Not really."
"Useless."
"Shut up!"
Tsubasa-chan told me she liked meâhonestly, from the heart, up on the rooftop. I just wanted to respond to that. To her... friendship.
Tsubasa-chanâs âI like youâ isnât, you know⊠that kind of like. She meant she treasures me as a friendâthatâs all.
...That is what she meant, right?
"Tsubasa likes you, Kishine."
"Not in the gross way you keep suggesting, Futaba-san!"
"Did you ask Tsubasa that?"
"I donât need to ask! That would never happen!"
Forcing everything into a romantic narrative is way more unnatural.
Besides, itâs not like I...
"I just want to be with Tsubasa-chan, thatâs all. Itâs not like that..."
When Iâm with her, I feel like Iâve finally found someone. Like a true comrade in this worldâan ally, a partner in crime, a precious compass.
After spending time together, I realized maybe I was mistaken. But even so, I still want to be with Tsubasa-chan.
Sheâs cute, lovable, pure, translucent, like the colors of the sunset... she's wonderful.
Just looking at her fills me with energy. I want to keep watching her. I love it when she says, âSee you tomorrow.â It makes me look forward to tomorrow.
To me, Tsubasa-chan is... no, not just in schoolâsheâs my anchor in life.
What do you call something like this again?
Right, thatâs it!
"Tsubasa-chan is... my oshi!"
Thatâs it. Thatâs what this is.
That vague sense of guilt thatâs been drifting in my chest all this timeâitâs finally been refined into something clear.
My heartâs telling me with certainty: this is the answer.
"Like how Dazai is for me?"
"I donât want to lump her in with that, but yeah, probably!"
Yeah, this fits.
Tsubasa-chan is someone I can truly support. Just thinking that gives me strength.
"Hmph."
"Thatâs why, Futaba-san, donât say any more weird stuff, okay?"
Iâm fully armed with logicâcompletely airtight.
I was on cloud nine, crushing Futaba-sanâs false accusations with no mercy.
Never again do I want her to say such insulting thingsâlike Iâm eyeing Tsubasa-chan like a creep or that Iâm just waiting to pounce and satisfy my carnal urges.
Tsubasa-chan is
 after all!"And yet, you still expect something in return from Tsubasa."
"...What did you just say?"
"You're spineless and gutless."
"Kindly refrain from baseless slander."
"Youâre just taking the easy way out."
"Ugh, there you go mocking me again."
Normally, I mightâve wanted to give her a little slap for that. But right now, my heart felt clearâlight and refreshed.
She actually listened to what I had to say, and even Futaba-sanâs usual snide remarks just rolled off me. Because Iâd finally defined exactly what Tsubasa-chan meant to me!
âDazai once wrote, âWhen youâre too embarrassed to say something, it means you value yourself.ââ
"Itâs not embarrassmentâI just couldnât put it into words until now!"
Right now, I might be unstoppable.
That moment of realization felt truly life-changing, from the bottom of my heart.
"Kishine, whatâs with your periodic mental breakdowns? Did the dirty part of your soul short-circuit from telling pure, innocent Tsubasa that you like her? Is your brain fried now? Poor Tsubasa⊠Iâve got to help her..."
"Futaba-san, that whisper was small, but I heard it. If youâre going to insult me, say it clearlyâso I can punch you properly."
"The worst."
"Thatâs my line, as always!"
Futaba-san stared at me with that same blank expression, but her eyes screamed total exasperation. I could tell she was mocking me for being so giddy.
But I was in such a good mood that I decided to let it slideâfor now!
"âYou really are the worst right now, Kishine."
"Iâve heard that one too many times, Futaba-san."
She always says that. I just let it wash over me and started humming a little tune, already thinking about what Iâd do next time I see Tsubasa-chan.
Maybe Iâll make a fan with âTsubasa-chan LOVEâ written on it!
Today, the sunset felt especially longâit really made me realize that summerâs here. Itâs kind of amazing how the days stretch out, like we get more time to live and do things.
Though in my case, all I ever really do is sit up here on the rooftop and watch the sun go down.
Summer. After the exams, itâll be summer break.
âŠWill Rio-chan come see me during break too?
Today, for the first time in a while, I started thinking about Rio-chan not being next to meâand it made me feel a little uneasy. But at the same time, strangely relieved.
Because yesterday...
âââI like you too, Tsubasa-chan.â
She said that to me.
Even if she didnât mean it seriously, even if Iâm not supposed to take it at face valueâif someone says something like that to you⊠you do start thinking about it.
The flutter in my chest from that moment still hadnât gone away. That bittersweet feeling still clung to me.
I told myself Iâd have to get a handle on it. That the next time I saw Rio-chan, Iâd be able to talk to her like normal.
Itâs fine. Itâs totally fine.
Rio-chan just said it as a friendâlike, not love love, just like.
And besides, if I did get the wrong idea...
"Tsubasa-chan, two girls canât make a baby, you know. Even if your soul was a boy in your past life and youâre some kind of eternal virgin, youâre a girl now."
"...Waitâhold on. Are you trying for an immaculate virgin conception or something? Sorry, Tsubasa-chan, but even you canât make that not gross."
If the conversation actually went there and Rio-chan never came near me again, Iâd totally lose it!
Thatâs whyâIâm not crushing on her. Iâm not trying to do any weird virgin miracle stuff either.
Thatâs the honest truth, so please believe meâŠ
Twisting up inside with that prayerâplease donât start hating me, Rio-chanâI suddenly heard the rooftop door creak open.
My spine jolted straight.
After all, thereâs only one person who ever comes up here.
And itâs not exactly the kind of moment where I could say, âOh, what a coincidence, I was just thinking about you.â The stuff Iâd been imagining was way too ridiculous for that.
Still, I had to look. Even if I was scared, I had to check.
So I turned around and saw...
"Tsubasa, I need to talk to you."
âŠit was the exception. Futaba-san was standing there.
Honestly, I felt kind of relieved.
If it had been Rio-chan, I think I mightâve blurted out something completely insane.
While my face stayed neutral, I let myself exhale internally as Futaba-san silently walked right up to me.
"Tsubasa. Listen to me."
"What is it, Futaba?"
There was something unusually serious in Futaba-sanâs eyesâit made me straighten my back just a little.
It felt like she was about to say something important.
And then Futaba-san saidâ
"Kishineâs broken. Her brainâs gone full sugar-coated syphilitic space case. Help me fix her."
âŠShe said something unbelievable.
âŠHuh? What?
I seriously had no idea what she just said.
Please forgive me for not grasping Futaba-sanâs words the first time around.
What even is âsugar-coated syphilitic space caseâ supposed to meanâŠ?
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