Chapter 21: Brain-Breaking Electromagnetic Mental Health
âSo, thatâs the plan.â
ââŠYeah.â
After that, we wrapped up our whispering session in the library and came up with a strategy to snap Rio-chan back to her senses.
I still wasnât sure if doing this was really okay, but just a bit ago, Misao-chan said...
ââIn every sense of the word. If I accept it, there's no going back. Thatâs why I canât accept it.â
She told me something really important.
So with the urgency growing in my chest, I headed for the rooftop.
âWhile holding hands with Misao-chan.
Rooftop. Dusk.
I had a twinge of anxiety that she might have already left, but Rio-chan was still there, waiting.
Still, whether that gave me relief... was another question entirely.
My back prickled with tension.
Honestly, part of me was hoping she had gone home already.
Because what we were about to do to her⊠was kind of cruel.
âTsubasa-chan! âŠand FutabaâŠ-san. âŠWhat are you doing?â
âHolding hands.â
For a brief moment, Rio-chan smiled.
But that smile quickly faded into the shadows of the evening.
She saw us holding hands.
âŠAnd Misao-chan, like she was showing off on purpose.
ââŠTsubasa-chan, come here.â
âToo bad, weâre holding hands. Tsubasa canât move.â
The atmosphere thickened with a weird kind of tension.
The kind that ties your stomach into knots.
âŠJust like Misao-chan predicted.
Rio-chanâs expression disappeared.
And Misao-chan squeezed my hand tighter than she ever had before.
âJealous?â
âDonât interfere, Futaba-san.â
Something dark seeped out of Rio-chan.
I could feel itânot a happy emotion at all.
Her gaze slipped past Misao-chan and locked onto me⊠sharp and scary.
âWhy donât you grab a fan and cheer us on? Go, Tsubasa! Look over here!â
ââŠAre you mocking me?â
ââDo you think Iâm not?â
I took a step back, wanting to hide.
The two who were always so kind to me⊠felt terrifying in this moment.
But I couldnât back down.
Because I couldnât stand the thought of Rio-chan staying like this.
I stared straight at her.
Hoping sheâd understand how I felt.
Likeâletâs stop being weird, okay, Rio-chan?
âY-You⊠are you trying to make me mad?â
âYouâre already mad.â
ââYouâre the one making me feel this way!!â
As Rio-chan tried to step toward me, Misao-chan raised our clasped hands again.
âKishine, donât move. âŠTsubasaâs my friend, but right now? Sheâs a hostage. If you try anythingâI'll kiss her.â
âWhaâ!?â
âŠUh, that part wasnât in the plan?
âD-Donât mess around!â
âWhatâs messed up is the way youâre dressed. You look ridiculous.â
âT-This is out of love for Tsubasa-chan! Sheâs my oshi!â
âThen how about this: just wave your fan and watch while Tsubasa and I get along. A girl flirting with Tsubasa-chanâso cute, so shippable!â
Rio-chanâs face was redder than the sunset.
Her body was trembling, quivering, and a faint glimmer of moisture shimmered at the corners of her eyes.
She had snapped both of the paper fans sheâd been holding.
"Do you really want to get stabbed that badly, Futaba Misao!?"
âââAre you just looking for an excuse to stab me?â
âIâve got plenty already!â
âThen let me give you an even better reason to want to stab meââTsubasa.â
Huh? Now of all times?
Seriously? I looked at Misao-chan, but her expression didnât so much as twitch. Instead, she stared right back at me, silently urging me to go on.
She had told me beforehand, âWhen the time is right, say this to Rio-chan.â I kind of understood what it meant.
But stillâhere? Now?
If I said it, I had a feeling Rio-chan would completely lose it.
âTsubasa.â
Even so, Misao-chan said my name again, softly but firmly, pushing me forward.
âŠI was the one who asked Misao-chan for help in the first place.
I canât just hide behind her forever. I donât want to.
ButâI was still a little scared, so this time, I took Misao-chanâs hand.
And when she squeezed it back with the same strength, I finally made up my mind.
âââMisao, friend. Rio, donât fight.â
ââŠHuh?â
What Misao-chan had told me to do was to say her nameâMisaoâin front of Rio-chan.
Simple, but not really.
Because Rio-chan had always said I was her number one.
So then⊠whoâs my number one?
Thatâs what Misao-chanâs plan was meant to make Rio-chan think about.
She explained it like this: If I said someone else's given name, it would make that person seem special to me too.
If, even after that, Rio-chan still said she could support me, then she should give upâbecause that kind of feeling was no different from being a fan.
But if she got madâif she couldnât stand the idea of me having a âspecialâ person who wasnât herâthen that meantâŠ
"Then itâs not just being a fan. Dazai wrote: Love is the highest form of service. You mustnât think of your own satisfaction at all."
"Then what about Kishineâs feelings? That selfish need to have all of Tsubasa to herselfâwhat is that, really?"
That feeling of someone being special.
That unshakable pull toward that one person, stronger than with anyone else.
That feeling called âlove.â
âWhy⊠Tsubasa-chanâŠâ
A single tear, then another, slid down Rio-chanâs cheek. The sunset was beautiful, but her tears made it feel like it had suddenly started to rain.
She was cryingâreal tearsâbecause she truly cared about me.
Her face was so pure, like even she didnât understand why she was crying.
âŠBefore I realized it, I had let go of Misao-chanâs hand.
âJeal-ous.â
ââŠHuh?â
Misao-chan⊠thank you, for everything up to now.
But⊠Iâm sorry.
Rio-chan is hurting right now.
âŠBecause I hurt her.
âââDid I make you⊠burn?â
Iâm sorry for going off the plan.
Butâitâs enough now.
I think⊠Rio-chan understands.
âI like you, Rio. Youâre my special one. âŠSo enough with the weird stuff.â
Donât push me away with all that âjust a fanâ talk.
Itâs scary, this feeling of love. But Iâm scared too.
âI love you.â
Soâletâs look for excuses together, okay?
Ones that let us stay close. Ones that let us be ourselvesâwithout being lonely.
And little by little, letâs confirm our feelings. Letâs figure it out, together.
What exactly this thing between us really is.
âBecause⊠weâre going to be together, always.â
Donât rush. If youâre feeling unsure, Iâll stay right by your side.
But donât run off on your own.
And if you do run, make sure you take me with you.
âIâm sorry⊠for being meanâŠâ
Letâs worry about it together, Rio-chan.
And⊠Iâm really, really sorry.
I wonât do it again, so pleaseâforgive me.
I looked right into her eyes, her irises trembling in front of me.
So close I could reach out and touch herâjust like on our last date.
ââAnd then, Rio-chan stepped forward.
She wrapped me in a tight, strong hug.
It was like she was saying, âIâll forgive youâbut Iâm never letting go.â
So I hugged her back with everything I had.
Like we were both sealing up this fountain inside our hearts, keeping it from overflowing.
Because we still need just a little more time.
âŠBoth our hearts were pounding like crazy.
This fountain in our hearts⊠itâs kinda bittersweet, isnât it?
âKishine, got anything to say?â
â...That was seriously messed up.â
Still holding me with one arm, Rio-chan slowly untied the Tsubasa Is My Life headbandâthen tossed it aside.
The headband caught the breeze and floated gently away... Hopefully no one ever picks it up.
âHave you come to your senses?â
âThat was the worst. Seriously. You⊠and me, too...â
âAnd me?â
âI donât know.â
Turning her head away, Rio-chan actually sulked for once. I could totally feel how pouty she wasâeven just from how tightly she was still hugging me.
But⊠this was the Rio-chan I knew.
The kind of person who always made me feel safe. Always cute.
That said, this was also getting a little too intense, and I really needed her to ease up on the squeeze.
âRio, let go.â
Not that I really wanted her to, okay?
But stillâif she kept hugging me that tight, something might actually snap. So just... ease up a little.
â...Yeah. Iâll let go.â
Despite her words, she hugged me even tighter. My stomach got squeezed (physically) pretty hard.
Wait⊠am I not forgiven after all?
Am I about to be finished off right now?
...Yeah, okay, I probably deserve it. I was being kinda awful.
âBut first, Futaba, you need to leave.â
âYouâre calling me without honorifics now?â
âBecause your personalityâs the worst.â
âAbout as bad as Kishineâs.â
â...Shut up.â
âBest of luck to you both.â
â...None of your business.â
And just like that, Misao-chan, who had been totally on my side until now, quietly made her exit from the rooftop. Probably because I went off-script.
Fellow accomplice⊠please donât forget me...
âI was scared all the time. That Tsubasa-chan would drift off to some faraway worldâsomeplace I could never reach her.â
But then, hearing what Tsubasa-chan had saidâshe finally realized it had all been a misunderstanding.
Sheâd heard âlet goâ as âtalk to me.â
Iâm glad. So she wasnât about to stab me after all.
If thatâs the case, I can survive this tight hug. Emotionally, I mean!
âYouâre so see-through, Tsubasa-chan⊠like you might just melt into the atmosphere before I even notice youâre goneâŠâ
But that little bit of relief didnât last long.
She started talking about how Iâd worried her by staying so quiet. And just like that⊠my guilt came flooding back.
...Iâm sorry.
âThat time we went to the shrine⊠I got carried away. You stayed with me, played with me like it was fun even though it was just me, and you made a wish with meâprayed for my happinessâŠâ
âYeah.â
But when she started talking about that date, Rio-chanâs tone changed. It softenedâlike she was sharing something truly important.
Every word she said was steeped in joy.
âWhen I thought that Tsubasa-chan might actually stay⊠that you wouldnât go anywhere⊠I got so happy. So happy, and so full of joy⊠And thatâs why it hurt.â
âHurt?â
âIf you were always going to be by my sideâthen maybe⊠that means weâre something more than just friends.â
The words âmore than friendsâ made my heart skip a beat.
It felt like sheâd seen right through meâlike she knew exactly what Iâd been trying not to think about.
âThatâs why I kept worrying, kept thinking about it over and over. I kept telling myself that kind of relationship wasnât okay⊠and eventually, I landed on something. The concept of an âoshi.ââ
âOshiâŠâ
Oh. So thatâs how she came to that conclusion.
Iâd been kind of scaredâlike sheâd suddenly gone off the deep endâbut now that I understood the reason behind it, I felt relieved.
âŠBecause maybe, just maybe, she was feeling the same way I was.
âWith you, I was sure I could love you unconditionally. I had total confidence that no one could ever love you more than I do.â
âI love you most too, Rio.â
âHeh⊠Iâm happy. Thank you, Tsubasa-chan. âŠBut I was naive. When I saw you getting close to Futaba, my head just⊠turned into a mess.â
She was smiling now, like sheâd gotten everything off her chestâbut her words still made my heart sting. âŠIâm really sorry for being so mean.
ââŠIâm sorry.â
â...Iâll forgive you. Just this once. Because you said weâd always be together.â
âWhat if I hadnât said it?â
ââŠThen I mightâve made sure youâd never be able to leave me.â
I nodded. That made sense.
My chest felt all flutteryâlike something soft was brushing against it.
The way Rio-chan cared about me⊠It tickled in the best way.
âDonât worry. Iâm not going anywhere. âŠLetâs figure out this fluttery feeling together.â
â...Yeah. Letâs figure it outâwhat this feeling in my chest really is. And letâs worry about it together, okay, Tsubasa-chan?â
âMhm. Together.â
We held each other tightly, letting our feelings speak for us.
We didnât need wordsâso we used our arms instead.
â
â
âŠMy heart is full.
My chest is overflowingâwith Rio-chan.
It had been two weeks since the day I promised to always be with Tsubasa-chan.
Even now, just thinking about that day makes me restlessâmy heart starts fluttering and I just canât sit still.
Because Tsubasa-chan is still as wonderful and adorable as ever.
Because every single day, I realize all over again just how much I love her.
âŠWhich is probably why I barely got any studying done for exams. I nearly failed and just barely avoided getting stuck in remedial classes.
Itâs all Tsubasa-chanâs fault, really.
In the middle of these endlessly happy days, there was one just before summer break when we went up to the rooftop againâthe place that had become so precious to us.
âRio, I think we might be able to see it.â
I thought itâd be like usualâTsubasa-chan sharing one of her charming, mysterious little philosophies. Something difficult, but exciting.
But today⊠felt different.
Tsubasa-chan was smiling, faintlyâjust the slightest, softest smile.
And the moment I saw it, I froze in surprise. My heart wouldnât stop pounding.
Tsubasa-chan⊠was smiling. I got to see her smile.
It made me feel so proud, I wanted to shout it to the world.
âSee what, I wonder? What can we see, Tsubasa-chan?â
Summer vacation was just around the corner, and I couldnât hold back the giddiness bubbling inside me. So I asked herâlighthearted, excited.
Because I wanted to know what had made her smile like that.
What beautiful idea sheâd glimpsed this time.
ââŠI think we might be able to see a ladder to heaven.â
The moment she said that, it felt like the whole world stopped moving.
âŠAt least, thatâs how it felt.
âTsubasa-chan⊠why?
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