Chapter 22: May the Signal Never Reach the Sky
The first day of summer break. Rain fell at dusk.
Thick clouds covered the sky, and a gentle wind stirred the air.
The rain wasnât heavy, but the sky remained shrouded in clouds for hours.
All things considered, the conditions werenât bad at all. Probably the best chance in this lifetime.
ââIt was the perfect day to see the angelâs ladder.
Also known as crepuscular rays, or the stairway of angels.
The great literary master,
, apparently called them âpipes of light on a heavenly organ.âIâd been waiting on the rooftop all this time, and it looked like the moment Iâd hoped for was finally coming.
Just thinking about it made my heart flutter with excitement.
That glimmer Iâd seen in my past lifeâthe light so beautiful it made the air feel light. A sight that could make you feel blessed just by looking at it, like everything inside you could be cleansed away.
A fragment of the godsâ world, spilling from the sky.
Maybe the land of the gods really does exist, hidden between the clouds.
...Just kidding!
Still, the chance to see it had finally come, and I was totally hyped.
Itâs not like it was guaranteed, and it wouldnât be strange if it didnât show up at all. But you know, the way things have been going for me lately... I really feel like I will get to see it!
Ever since I met Rio-chan, lifeâs been fun.
Before, I used to just sit up here alone on the roof, daydreaming. But Rio-chan brought color to that lonely little world of mine.
Talking is fun, calling each other by name feels special, and holding hands makes me all fidgety.
When we fight, it gets hard to breathe. When I upset her, I get all gloomy. And when I tease her, it makes my chest ache.
Every day used to be painted in the same sunset hueâbut after meeting Rio-chan, the world suddenly became so vivid, itâs dizzying.
Now Iâve started looking forward to tomorrow, thinking something wonderful might be waiting.
Thatâs why I really think Iâll see it.
Iâll see the angelâs ladder!
Itâs all just wishful thinking, but wouldnât it be amazing if it came true?
Iâd once asked Rio-chan if she wanted to watch it with me, and it flustered her, so this time Iâm going alone and planning to show her the photos afterward.
Iâll do my best to take something beautiful, and then we can look at them together and get all mysterious about it, okay, Rio-chan?
And actually, well... Iâm looking forward to seeing the angelâs ladder, but just as much, Iâm looking forward to looking at the photos with Rio-chan.
If I can take something really pretty, and it makes her happy, Iâll be over the moon.
âRio, I think we might see it.â
So, you know, Rio-chan...
âWhat do you think you might see, Tsubasa-chan?â
If you look at the photo I took and you feel something from it...
âââI think we might see the angelâs ladder.â
ââNext time, I want us to go see it together.
If you say yes, then itâll mean I invited you on a date.
A date with Rio-chan... I canât say it directly, so Iâll borrow a little courage from the gods.
Ehehe, I canât stop trembling already!
And then, on the day itself, under a sky of light rain.
I stood on the school rooftop, praying like Moses for a miracle, that a beam of light might break through the clouds.
The rooftop doorâwhere no one was supposed to comeâcreaked open with a heavy noise. Then came the sound of footsteps approaching.
"...Tsubasa-chan, you're not using an umbrella."
âRi...o?â
ââRio-chan, who I thought couldnât come, was standing there beneath the rainy sky.
For a moment, a fleeting hope stirred in my chest.
Maybe⊠maybe she came to see the angelâs ladder with me.
"...You'll catch a cold."
But something felt off.
Something about Rio-chan's presence.
Maybe it was because the sky was overcast instead of bathed in sunset light, butâ
Today, Rio-chan seemed⊠somehow downcast.
"Are you⊠okay?"
Worried, I gently supported her by the shoulders.
On days like this, when the air pressure tends to spike, maybe sheâs especially sensitive to it, I thought.
"...I'm not okay."
Yet despite how weak her voice sounded, she clung to me with a shocking strength.
âŠIt actually hurt a little.
"R-Rio?"
A sharp pain pricked across my back.
She was squeezing me so tightly, even her nails had started digging in.
Rio-chan, whatâs going on?
Are you hurting? Are you in pain?
If you are, just tell me.
If you're suffering, Iâll help you right away!
"...Hey, Tsubasa-chan. Will you⊠listen to me?"
"...Yeah."
So I let her talk, just as she was.
Even though she was still holding me tight, I could feel the desperation in her grip. I rubbed her back gently, like I was just laying a hand there.
Itâs okay nowâI tried to pour that into the way I touched her.
"...Youâre so kind, Tsubasa-chan."
"Mm."
"ââBut⊠you're cruel too."
Her nails dug in deeper.
They were probably going to leave marks.
Was she afraid?
Afraid of what, Rio-chan?
"What is it? What did you want to tell me?"
"...About me."
"Okay."
I stayed quiet, resisting the urge to react. I just listened.
All I wanted was for Rio-chan to calm down.
It wasnât the kind of story Iâd imaginedâsome physical pain or illnessâbut thinking about it, she never really talked about herself much, did she?
"Tell me."
When I gently urged her, Rio-chan gave a tiny nod.
"Um⊠I⊠Iâve alwaysââhated myself."
She began to speak in a soft, trembling voice.
âŠAnd I reached around to hold her too, hoping it would ease her burden, even a little.
"Iâm⊠apparently a good girl."
Thatâs why I was confused.
I didnât understand how that connected to what she just said.
After all, Rio-chan had always been kind to me in so many ways.
If someone asked me whether she was a good person, Iâd say yes without hesitation.
But her face was far from cheerful.
In fact, it was only getting darker.
âŠWhat did being a âgood girlâ mean to Rio-chan?
"Iâm not very good at handling things."
That whisper by my ear was filled with self-derision.
Even though she was smiling faintly, there was nothing happy about it.
And the arms wrapped around me hadnât relaxed in the slightest.
"My mom and dad both went to good schools, got into good universities, and landed good jobs. Theyâre smart, capable, and can do almost anything with ease."
Rather than letting go, she clung to me even more tightlyâlike she was hanging on just to survive.
âŠAnd I noticed Rio-chanâs arms were trembling.
âAnd yet, even though Iâm their child⊠I canât do anything. I have to push myself so hardâgo through so much just to get decent grades. And even then, I donât like sports. Iâm not good at anything else either⊠I donât have a single redeeming quality.â
She was half-smiling, but her voice was laced with tears.
The light drizzle falling around us felt like it was just Rio-chanâs sadness spilling over.
âŠNo redeeming qualities? Thatâs not true at all.
âI donât really get scolded by my mom or dad,â she continued. âThey just sigh. Like theyâre thinking, âHow could she stumble over something so simple?â You know what that means, right? âSighing like that, itâs what people do after theyâve already given up on you.â
It was overwhelmingâsuch biting self-deprecation, so relentless it bordered on painful. Her self-esteem was dangerously low. I only just now realized something that important.
What have I been seeing when I looked at Rio-chan all this time�
âBut still, my mom and dadâdeep down, theyâre convinced there must be something good about me. Because Iâm their daughter. They want to believe that. And soââ
She buried her face against my back.
Her voice was muffled, but I heard it clearly.
âââŠRio is a good girl, though.â Thatâs the only identity my parents ever gave me.â
Thatâs what she meant, back when she first said she was a âgood girl.â
I finally understood.
In other words⊠Rio-chan believes they only say that because thereâs nothing else to compliment her on. That itâs just something they settle on saying.
ââŠItâs all a lie. Iâm not a good girl.â
She couldnât praise herself. And even when others did, it all just sounded like empty flattery.
A girl who couldnât see a single thing good about herself. Thatâs who Rio-chan really wasâand every word out of her mouth now made that heartbreakingly clear.
Sheâd been carrying that suffocating weight for so long.
âI was always wondering, why canât I do anything right? That feeling of inferiority wouldnât go away. Because⊠my little sisterâtwo years younger than meâshe takes after our parents. She could do just about anything.â
So she had a younger sister.
One who was apparently very gifted.
If sheâs anything like Rio-chan, sheâs probably sweet and adorable too. But⊠maybe thatâs exactly why it made things worse.
âŠMaybe Rio-chan always felt like she was being compared.
âI started resenting my parents. I wanted to avoid my sister. So⊠I enrolled in a school far from home. Moved out. I thought maybe if I lived on my own, I could finally be free of this heavy feeling in my chest.â
So Rio-chan had been living alone, too.
ââŠBut it didnât help at all. The heavinessâthe pain and blackness in my chestâit didnât go away. Iâve been drowning this whole time. In this ugly, black tar that fills my heartâIâve just been sinking in it.â
From the start, Rio-chan had only been saying things that hurt herself. Crying out that she was in pain. Begging.
Sheâd been carrying this around⊠all alone, through so many nights.
I wish I had noticed soonerâŠ
âThereâs no good girl anywhere. Iâm not anything anymore⊠thereâs nothing left of me.â
I pulled Rio-chan into a tight embrace.
I wanted her to feel it. That she wasnât aloneâthat I was right here.
âThen what am I? If I donât have anything leftâwhy am I even still breathing?â
âŠNo.
No, thatâs not okay.
Donât say any more. Donât hurt yourself any furtherâŠ
"Rio is⊠Rio. And to me, youâre someone irreplaceable."
"Even after knowing how filthy my heart is�"
This time, it was my turn to hold her as tightly as I could.
I wanted to share even a little bit of the loneliness and sadness overflowing from Rio-chanâs heart.
"...I love you."
I poured everything into those wordsâmy feelings, my honesty.
If she truly felt like she was nothing, then I wanted us to decide together from now on who she was going to be.
Rio-chan is already wonderfulâbut I know we can keep filling her heart with even more, just like the other day, when mine had overflowed with that same sweet, aching feeling.
"...Tsubasa-chan, do you really think you love me?"
"Believe me."
Iâve always been on Rio-chanâs side.
No matter what happens, always.
With that unwavering conviction, I answered her clearlyâand then Rio-chan...
"ââThen, if you had to choose between the angelâs ladder and me, which would you pick?"
"...Rio."
For a second, I wondered why sheâd even ask me to compare those two.
But if I had to choose⊠then without question, it would be Rio-chan.
Because to me, sheâs already someone I could never replace.
"I see⊠Then, um⊠would you come with me to where I live? Could you⊠leave this place, right now?"
Rio-chan was testing me.
Like she was reaching out in the middle of her anxiety, trying desperately to hold on to something.
"...Okay."
There was no way I could brush aside that fragile, trembling hand.
Right now, more than the sky, I chose to take Rio-chanâs handâthe most important hand in the world to me. I decided I could reach for the sky again⊠some other time.
At last, the strength in her arms began to ease.
The nails that had dug into me slipped quietly away.
"...Iâm sorry, Tsubasa-chan."
"Mm."
"I believe you⊠I love you too."
And then, we took a small step back and looked at each other.
âŠRio-chanâs face was red and swollen from all the crying.
Tsubasa-chan was probably planning to leave today.
To free herself from everything⊠and become 21 grams lighter.
But when I called out to her, she stopped.
She didnât care about getting taintedâshe held me close, heart and all.
It made me so happy. It made me realize that she truly, truly cared about me.
And it made me fall for her even moreâbecause she embraced even the dirtiest parts of me.
âŠBut now youâre stained, arenât you, Tsubasa-chan?
You hugged someone like me. Told me you loved me.
Your pure white body and heart⊠theyâre probably dyed with my color now.
Do you think someone like thatâsomeone like youâcould still be loved by God?
âŠThen again, if itâs you, Tsubasa-chan⊠maybe God would still hold you close, just the same.
So, heyâI'm sorry, okay?
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