Chapter 101: A Beautiful Girl, On the Way Home

"A, um…"

My mind went completely blank. Even blanker than the time I forgot my lines during the play.

My whole body froze stiff, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

"Ayumi… those words just now—"

"Aaaaaah! Wait, wait! That’s not what I meant! I mean—it is, but that’s not how I meant it!"

I flailed my arms, desperately trying to stop Ryouji from pressing the issue.

But what good would stopping him even do? My head was so hot it felt like steam might start pouring out. I was sure my brain was boiling.

"Uu…"

"…Ayumi, are you calm now?"

"Ah, yeah… sorry. I kind of panicked."

Ryouji felt a little farther away than usual.

Normally he leans in too close for no reason… So I guess someone like me just isn’t good enough after all…

My eyes started to sting with tears. I can’t believe I blurted it out like that, swept along by the mood. Even if he was going to reject me or be bothered by it, I would’ve preferred something a little more romantic.

I stopped walking on the dim sidewalk. Ryouji stopped with me.

The streetlight shone on only the two of us, like the spotlight from today’s play.

I can’t let it end like this.

"Push yourself just a little when it really matters," Yoshino-san had said.
Maybe I pushed at the wrong time, but if the alternative is letting this whole thing fade away like some awkward joke—

"Hey, Ryouji…"

I lightly wiped away my tears with my finger. I’ve been crying nonstop today.

I can’t remember the last time I cried this much. Maybe back when I decided to live as a girl…

"I… about you, Ryouji—"

"Wait, Ayumi!"

So it’s no good… Did he already figure out what I was going to say?

Is that why he stopped me? Because hearing it would ruin what we have?

"Please listen to what I have to say."

"…What?"

"There’s a girl I like."

"…Yeah."

So that’s how it is… That would explain why he couldn’t listen, and why he rejected the love letter he got before.

"That girl was struggling. She felt like she wasn’t herself anymore. And I thought… no matter what, I want to be on her side."

I stayed quiet and listened to his words.

"Little by little, she kept getting cuter. So cute I felt like someone like me could never reach her."

I see. I never noticed he liked someone that much.

So there was never any room for me from the beginning.

"It was during summer break. That girl decided how she wanted to live. I was really happy for her. Once she cast away her doubts, she became incredibly charming. Not like me—she was strong. I think that’s when I started seeing her not just as cute, but… as a girl. As the opposite sex."

"I see…"

I let out a small sigh. I was honestly jealous of that girl.

If only I’d become a girl sooner… would things have turned out differently?

Mom used to say she wanted a daughter too. If she wanted one so badly, she could’ve just given birth to me as a girl from the start… That’s what I thought for a moment.

Ahaha… I wonder what the “me” from back when I was a boy would say to that.

I mocked myself silently.

"After deciding her path, that girl kept trying her best. I mean, compared to other people I don’t know, but still. I fell for her even more. And at the same time, I started wanting to keep her to myself. …But I was scared she’d hate me if I messed it up. So I could only keep acting the same as always."

Everyone struggles like this, trying to change.

Some fail, some succeed. The only thing left for me to do is hope that Ryouji’s change succeeds too.

"She worked hard all the way up to today. Taking on a lead role she wasn’t used to, practicing like crazy."

"Eh…?"

My heart gave a jolt. The girl he was talking about—wait—

"But today was nerve-racking. Forgetting lines on stage… well, that’s exactly the kind of thing she’d do."

"A–umm, Ryouji?"

"That’s right! The one I like is you, Ayumi!"

It felt like time stopped.

My heartbeat shot upward all at once.

N-no! This has to be some kind of joke—

"Y-you’re joking, right?"

"How could I joke about something this embarrassing!? There’s no way I’d say it with a straight face if it were a joke!"

"O-okay…"

What do I do?

This is the—what, third? fourth?—time today my mind has gone totally blank! I don’t even know how many brain cells I’ve lost at this point!

Ryouji… likes me? No way… My head’s going to explode.

My emotions were spinning out of control, and I felt dizzy. I thought I’d already cried myself dry, but tears kept spilling from my eyes.

"Ayumi… do you hate it?"

Seeing me suddenly cry, Ryouji looked worried.

He pulled out a handkerchief and gently wiped my tears.

Ryouji said he likes me.

I placed my hand softly over the hand he was wiping my tears with.

"No. I don’t hate it. …I’m happy."

I smiled as I said that.

It might have been the first time I’d ever smiled while feeling this light and clear inside.

"Um… Ryouji. I… I like you too."

I couldn’t look straight at him, and in the end I bowed my head.

My face was definitely bright red. But it was dim, so he probably wouldn’t notice.

And I couldn’t help grinning like an idiot.

"Ehehe… I’m glad."

"Whoooaaah! That’s way too cute! Are you trying to kill me!?"

"Eh!? Why are you yelling!?"

"I’m not yelling! L-let’s go! If we take too long, the trains start running less."

"Ah, o-okay."

Ryouji grabbed my hand and hurried toward the station.

"H-hey, Ryouji."

"What?"

"Why did you interrupt me earlier? I worked so hard to… um, c-c-confess to you…"

Ryouji, still holding my hand, stopped walking.

"Wa—!"

Because he stopped so suddenly, I bumped right into his back.

"S-sorry."

He said that while patting my head lightly.

Ugh, there he goes again—treating me like a kid even though we’re the same age! I puffed out my cheeks… though, honestly, it felt nice being petted…

"I don’t know… I just kind of realized you were about to confess. And that made me really happy. But then I wondered—was that really okay? I mean, if you confessed first, wouldn’t that make me look uncool?"

"Muu… You blocked the biggest, bravest moment of my entire life for something that silly?"

I glared up at Ryouji with half-lidded eyes. I couldn’t believe my dramatic confession scene was ruined just because he was worried about looking cool. Well, technically he confessed first, and that made me incredibly happy… but there was still something a bit unsatisfying about it.

"…Still, I’m surprised you didn’t notice what I was trying to say."

"O-of course I didn’t! I never even imagined you’d like me! And you didn’t have to phrase it in such a roundabout way!"

"Well, if I just said ‘I like you’ outright, I felt like it wouldn’t get across how much I meant it."

"Muu… But, Ryouji, are you really okay with this? I mean, I used to be a boy."

"You’re a girl now, and you’re going to live as a girl, right? It’s fine. Ayumi, you’re already more ‘girl’ than most girls out there."

"Ahaha, what does that even mean?"

His weird phrasing made me giggle.

"And… sooner or later, I was planning to confess anyway."

"You were!?"

If that was the case, maybe I could’ve just waited… No, no, stop thinking like that.

"It was right before the cultural festival, you know? I didn’t want to make you worry about something weird. And honestly, I didn’t have much confidence either. But today, when I met Aoi-senpai, was it? I thought, okay, this is bad. The guy was more handsome than me."

We started walking again.

The lights of the station came into view. It was just before eight, and the area in front of the station was still lively with people.

We passed through the ticket gates and boarded the train.

Even inside the train, Ryouji and I stayed holding hands the whole time.

Being together suddenly meant something completely different from yesterday.
But somehow, I felt even more at ease than before.

On the walk from the station to my house, we only talked about random things. The same kind of silly conversations we always had—but tonight, they felt so much more fun.

We were almost at my place. When I glanced at Ryouji beside me, pushing his bike, he looked a little embarrassed.

A lot happened today. It might’ve been the most chaotic day of my entire life.

"Hey, um, Ryouji… Sorry about today."

"Sorry? For what?"

"For forgetting my lines during the play, and when I… when I almost fell and—and ended up k-kissing you!"

When I said that, Ryouji just let out a simple, "Ahh."

"Don’t worry about it. The play turned out fine in the end, and the kiss was a bonus for me."

"W-was it…?"

"Of course. It was a kiss from the girl I like."

Auu… I pressed my hands to my cheeks.

Before today, I would’ve just thought, “Ugh, he’s joking again, he never learns.”
But now… it felt different.

…Wait. Maybe all those times before, he wasn’t joking?
Ugh, how dense can I be? Seriously, me.

But it’s not my fault. I’ve never been in love before—I had no idea how any of this worked.

"…If you want, we could do a proper kiss this time."

"Eh? Eeeeeeeeh!?"

"Well, I mean, that one was an accident, so it shouldn’t count, right!?"

"N-no! Not yet! I’m not mentally prepared for that! A-and if we do it now, I’ll be too nervous to sleep, and we still have the festival tomorrow!"

"Then… after the festival, is it okay?"

Ryouji grinned as he said that.

"Y-yeah."

"YES! I’m fired up now! I’m gonna go for Best Actor tomorrow!"

"H-hey! I just said I’d consider it!"

"What is that supposed to mean!? Are you a politician!? I’ll just steal one!"

That… that would be awful, wouldn’t it…?

While we were joking around like idiots, before I knew it, we were standing in front of my house.

I felt a little reluctant to say goodbye.

"Well, see you tomorrow."

"Ah—Ryouji!"

He had just mounted his bike and was about to pedal off when I called out to him.

"What’s up? Gonna say something like, ‘I don’t wanna say goodbye~’? That’d be cute."

"N-no! That’s not it! I just… um… So, does this mean… we’re boyfriend and girlfriend now…?"

With a loud clatter, Ryouji wobbled and nearly lost his balance.

"Y-yeah! We are! Definitely!"

"Really…? Really! Ehehe…"

Just hearing the words “boyfriend and girlfriend” made me smile uncontrollably.
No good—no matter how hard I tried to stop it, my face kept grinning all on its own.

"Aaah, geez! You’re too cute!"

Shouting that, Ryouji kicked off and pedaled his bike with ridiculous force, disappearing down the street in seconds.