Chapter 19: Deep in thought, Yukino Yukinoshita agonizes

"Sigh..."

Finishing my reminiscence, I let out a heavy sigh on the bed in my room.

One day has passed since that night. After returning from the school trip and finally making it back to my own home, I was at last able to calmly reflect on my behavior.

To be honest, I hadn't been able to sort out my feelings all day today.

I couldn't understand why I had said such things, and I was consumed by self-loathing for lashing out at Hikigaya-kun so harshly for no reason.

But now that I've sorted out my feelings, I understand. At that time, I was feeling jealous of Hikigaya-kun's actions, and that's why I ended up taking it out on him like that.

"Sigh..."

A second sigh.

Looking back on how I had acted out of jealousy, my attention is drawn back to a problem I had temporarily shelved.

Namely: am I currently a man or a woman?

...No, after harboring such ugly jealousy toward Hikigaya-kun, I must surely be a woman.

However, there's a part of me that refuses to accept it.

"I was definitely supposed to be a guy."

But there is no longer any way to confirm that fact, and the "me" from when I was a guy only exists in my memories.

Unable to calm my restless feelings, I idly grab the stuffed animal sitting by my pillow.

A Pan-san the Panda plushie. Grabbed without a second thought, it was the one Hikigaya-kun had won for me from a claw machine a while back.

"...I guess there aren't many high school boys who keep stuffed animals by their pillows, huh."

My preferences had changed before I even realized it. Acknowledging this makes me acutely aware, once again, of how much I've transformed.

Pulling Pan-san close to me, I hug it tight, wrapping my body around it.

"..."

Feeling the soft fabric of the plushie somehow gave me a sense of security.

...Right, a sense of security. I had thought that what I felt toward Hikigaya-kun was surely just a sense of security.

He is the only existence in this life to whom I can reveal my true, unvarnished self.

I had mistaken the strange, warm feelings I held for him as the relief of having my true self accepted, and convinced myself that was all it was.

But I was wrong.

When I'm with Hikigaya-kun, my heartbeat quickens slightly, and my body temperature rises.

When I talk with Hikigaya-kun, I feel happy. The corners of my mouth threaten to curl upward.

I didn't feel this way toward Yuigahama-san, who had accepted me in the exact same way. Looking back, it was a completely different emotion from a mere sense of security.

I can comprehend it. But I couldn't accept it.

"...Is accepting these feelings what it means to live as my true self, Yuigahama-san?"

The question spilled from my lips, echoing hollowly in the room where only I resided.

But I couldn't possibly throw such a question at her in person.

Because I know Yuigahama-san's feelings. Feelings so heart-rending they make you want to cry, yet so gentle they take your breath away.

"...Guess I'll sleep."

With no answer in sight, the question continued to swirl endlessly in my chest.

The first school day after the school trip arrived. Heading to school with a heavy heart, I spent the hours until dismissal completely spaced out.

Then, after school. Dragging my heavy feet to the clubroom, I sat in my usual spot and opened a paperback book I had no chance of actually reading.

"...Yahallo."

"Hello."

I gave a short greeting to Yuigahama-san, who visited the clubroom shortly after. Unlike usual, our eyes didn't meet. Without exchanging another word, she quietly began fiddling with her phone.

A while later, the door opened again. This time, Hikigaya-kun walked in. His face was darker than usual.

"You're here."

"Yeah."

Words were scarce. Our lines of sight never crossed.

...I have to apologize.

For saying things I didn't mean. For taking my anger out on him. For rejecting his methods, even after I had resolved to simply watch over his choices.

While I was hesitating, Yuigahama-san spoke up.

"Hayama-kun and the others were more normal than I expected. I thought there'd be at least some fallout from that whole confession commotion, but it was surprisingly just like always."

Yuigahama-san brought it up timidly.

"Yeah, it was just like always," he replied.

"...I see."

I gave a small nod of agreement, but my mind was entirely elsewhere.

I have to apologize. For saying things I didn't mean to Hikigaya-kun. For saying things that seemed to outright reject him.

But my mouth wouldn't move the way I wanted it to.

...I'm scared. Scared to tell the truth. Scared to expose my incredibly weak self. Scared that he, the one who accepted me, might reject me.

In the end, maybe it's simply impossible for me to live as my true self.

"I dunno, it's like I've completely lost track of what everyone is thinking."

Yuigahama-san muttered quietly. The word 'everyone' seemed to include Hikigaya-kun as well.

"...It's impossible to perfectly understand what other people are thinking anyway."

I just spouted a general platitude. Ultimately, I remained completely unable to speak a single word of my true feelings.

A heavy silence fell over the three of us. It was the kind of silence where everyone was searching for the right words to say, yet no one could find them.

That was when a light knock echoed through the clubroom.

"Come in."

Feeling like a sinner who had just spotted a spider's thread dangling into the depths of hell, I urged them to enter.

"Excuse me."

The one who entered, having properly waited for a reply, was Hiratsuka-sensei. She briefly looked around the clubroom before asking a short question.

"Did something happen?"

Sharp-eyed as ever. But no one could answer her question. Receiving our silence as her answer, Hiratsuka-sensei tilted her head slightly.

"Hmm... I had a request for you all, but perhaps I should come back another day?"

"That's fine, but nothing's really gonna change either way."

Meeting her gaze, Hikigaya-kun replied.

"I see. ...Then, come on in."

"Excuse meee~"

Entering alongside an adorable voice was the Student Council President, Shiromeguri-senpai, with her charming, shining forehead.

"Hello."

And behind her, one more person. A girl who was supposed to be a total stranger to me, yet whose face I instantly recognized.

Ah, I don't even need an introduction to know who she is. Semi-long flaxen hair and a cute face. Her big, round eyes possess the adorable quality of a small animal. Her delicate frame, looking as though it might break at a mere touch, stirs up one's protective instincts.

Isshiki Iroha. The underclassman heroine who also appeared in the story that I know.

After finishing Isshiki-san's introduction, Shiromeguri-senpai quickly cut to the chase.

"The student council election is coming up soon, right?"

Seeing Hikigaya-kun and Yuigahama-san looking slightly puzzled, I answered in their stead.

"Yes. The public announcement has already been made, and the candidates are posted."

"Right, right. Managing that election is our final job before we retire from the student council."

Shiromeguri-senpai is retiring from the student council presidency too, huh. Even though we had very little involvement with the third-years, it makes me feel a little lonely.

"And so, in that election, this Isshiki-san here is a candidate for president... but, well, we want to help her lose."

It was a bizarre request. However, to me, possessing prior knowledge, it made perfect sense.

As a premise, Isshiki-san is the type of girl that other girls hate. She has a little-devilish demeanor and a suggestive attitude designed to bewitch guys. In a word: calculating. It might make her popular with the boys, but it definitely makes her unpopular with the girls.

As a result, she became the target of harassment from her female classmates. And the nature of this harassment was particularly nasty. The ringleaders had actually gathered signatures and nominated Isshiki-san for student council president entirely without her permission.

Consequently, Isshiki-san had been forced to run for president against her will, and naturally, she wasn't enthusiastic about it.

Obviously. Becoming student council president in your first year just because of a bullying prank—you'd have to be crazy to just quietly accept that.

But she is the sole candidate. If things proceed as they are, she will end up becoming president by default.

"In other words, you want to know if there's anything we can do to prevent Isshiki-san from becoming president."

The conversation was progressing exactly as I knew it would, and I asked this to confirm.

"Exactly. Is there any way you could help us out?"

Hearing Shiromeguri-senpai's troubled voice made me feel like we had to do something.

Looking slightly away from my upperclassman, I turned the thoughts over in my head.

Honestly, my head had been so full of the school trip and the events following it that I hadn't given this event any thought. I recalled my knowledge of the original work, which was now becoming a distant memory.

If I recall correctly, this was ultimately resolved neatly by having Hikigaya-kun persuade Isshiki-san to actually become the student council president.

But there are many twists and turns before that happens. Interactions between Hikigaya-kun and Hayama-kun, Hikigaya-kun getting a reason to act from Komachi-san, and Yukinoshita Yukino and Yuigahama Yui attempting to run for student council president themselves...

"...Ah."

Right as I remembered that far, an idea floated into my mind. A simple solution that would wrap everything up nicely. Above all, a solution that could do something about this pain in my chest that had been tormenting me.

Why am I in so much pain right now? Why do I have to agonize so much over my own gender? Why am I suffering from such intense self-loathing?

It's because I'm with Hikigaya-kun.

Because I'm with him, my chest hurts so much. I hate myself for saying such terrible things to him.

...Therefore, all I have to do is become the Student Council President and distance myself from the Service Club.

Strangely, that resolve settled easily into my chest, and I felt as though it were the only way.