Chapter 9: I Am Forever a Prisoner of My Own Paranoia

In the clubroom, where the rays of the setting sun slanted slightly inward, I found myself spinning words almost half-unconsciously.

"…While it isn't very common yet, there are examples of teleworking being implemented in the form of satellite offices. With the advancement of IT, the necessity for certain occupations to gather in the same place to work is thinning out. Of course, the importance of face-to-face communication is something that can never be ignored, either."

"Huh… I don't really get it, but does that mean if that 'telework' thing becomes popular, my dad won't have to leave the house for work anymore?"

"Exactly. That is why, in the future, humanity will reach an era where they no longer need to step outside. What I am doing now is merely a dress rehearsal for that. If anything, you could even say the rest of you are behind the times."

"Whoa. Hikki, you really don't want to leave the house that badly…"

"How very like a Hikikomori-kun."

"Leave me alone.… "

I echoed Yuigahama-san’s words. However, after hearing my insult, Hikigaya-kun merely offered a listless reply. I felt a slight sense of dissonance in his demeanor, as if he had started to say something but then bit back his words. Yet, I didn't say anything either, and simply lowered my gaze back to the paperback book in my hand that I wasn't actually reading.

The atmosphere drifting through the clubroom had changed significantly after summer vacation. It wasn't that there had been a clear dispute. Both Yuigahama-san and Hikigaya-kun came to the club without fail, and I attended religiously as well.

However, there was a certain distance in the conversations we exchanged. The cause was surely me. The relationship between Hikigaya-kun and I had changed slightly. Before summer break, it was a relationship where we didn't need to hold back—to put it in a positive light. Now, a subtle reserve had formed between us, and the conversation wouldn't flow.

As expected, Hikigaya-kun likely has his own thoughts on the matter. The fact that I, who claimed never to tell lies, had been keeping secrets. The fact that I had remained silent about being a party to that accident.

I understand. It is something I read on the page and already knew. The disillusionment Hikigaya-kun felt toward the image of "the perfect Yukinoshita Yukino" being betrayed; the disappointment in himself for projecting his own fantasies and then feeling let down on his own.

But was that really all? Was the disappointment Hikigaya-kun felt toward me—a fake—really limited to just that? Looking into Hikigaya-kun's pitch-black, rotten eyes that rarely met mine, I began to feel anxious.

For instance, suspicion. If Hikigaya-kun began to suspect that the convictions I spoke of were all nothing but lies. If that happened, he might even stop coming to the clubroom altogether.

Am I performing according to the story? The opportunity to check my answers will never come. It feels like I am performing in a play where there is no script, yet the ending has already been decided. As a performer, I am not even allowed to gauge the expressions of the audience; I have no choice but to dance with foolish, pathetic honesty.

And now, the time has come to test whether I can lead the story in the right direction. The major event for high schoolers: the Cultural Festival.

The first meeting of the Cultural Festival Executive Committee was held in the conference room after school. Having become a committee member as planned, I sat in my seat early and gazed vacantly at my surroundings. Pairs of girls. A boy looking around restlessly. A girl who, upon entering the room, rushed toward students who had already arrived.

And then, there he was. A high school boy with a distinctive ahoge and rotten eyes. When our eyes met, his widened slightly in surprise. However, he didn't say anything more; he averted his gaze and headed toward a seat with a listless air.

By the time the scheduled hour passed, the quiet conference room was filled with a buzz. The sound of chatter could be heard from everywhere, creating an atmosphere that hardly felt like something was about to begin.

However, into that disordered space, a sudden, cheerful voice rang out.

"Okay, everyone! We’re going to start the Cultural Festival Executive Committee meeting now~!"

At that voice, which possessed a mysterious ability to draw people's attention, the buzzing subsided instantly.

"Thank you all for gathering today. I’m the Student Council President, Meguri Shiromeguri! Let’s all make this Cultural Festival a success, okay? Ooh~!"

At her fluffy greeting, the Student Council members immediately broke into applause, and the committee members followed suit. Thus, the motley crew of the executive committee made its tentative start.

Once Meguri-senpai’s greeting was finished, the committee’s first activity began. A role that could be called a "great honor" if put nicely, or a "short straw" if put bluntly: deciding the Committee Chair.

"So Yukinoshita-san is a no, too… Is there anyone else~?"

Meguri-senpai called for volunteers for the chair in her cute voice, but for a long time, no voice rose from the silent conference room. While I waited internally, wondering "Is it time yet?", a small, timid voice finally echoed.

"Um… if there’s no one else, I wouldn't mind doing it…"

It’s here. Finally. The one who hesitantly raised her hand was Minami Sagami.

"You'll do it?! Thank you!"

Prompted by Meguri-senpai, Sagami-san introduced herself and stepped forward. …At the very least, things seem to have gone well up to the point of deciding the chair. All that remains is for me to accept her request.

I watched her as she stood in front, speaking with a nervous expression. If it goes according to what I know, she will fail. And even knowing that, I will not stop her.

"I ended up becoming the Executive Committee Chair, but, well, I’m just not feeling very confident… So, I want you to help me."

The request from Sagami-san, who visited the clubroom, could be summarized by those words.

"I believe you mentioned that your goal was self-growth, however."

Toward an attitude that was far too dependent on others to be accepted immediately, I tilted my head slightly. Sagami-san, looking slightly flustered, began talking to the cronies she had brought along.

"N-No, I mean, how do I put it? Helping each other with friends is also a form of growth, right? I was just a bit worried about doing it alone."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Exactly. It’s your first time, so it’s natural to be anxious."

Encouraged by her friends, who seemed to be acting as a mere "echo chamber," Sagami-san regained some of her boldness and turned back to me.

"So, that’s why—could you help me out?"

"…Does that mean…"

"Yes, I don't mind. Since I am on the executive committee, I will help within the scope of my abilities."

Since Yuigahama-san was about to say something, I cut her off with my acceptance. The surprised looks on Hikigaya-kun and Yuigahama-san’s faces were unpleasantly vivid.

"——Well then, I'll be in your care starting tomorrow!"

Sagami-san, who remained lighthearted throughout, spoke to me with an expression that suggested everything was already settled, then left the Service Club with a light step.

"What are you thinking, Yukinon?"

Yuigahama-san’s voice was lower than usual. Naturally, my responding voice was laced with a certain stiffness.

"What am I thinking? I am simply taking on a request as an individual. That is all."

"Didn't you say there wouldn't be any club activities until the festival?"

"Yes, that’s why I will do it alone."

I internally flinched at the sharpness in Yuigahama-san’s eyes, but I absolutely did not let it show in my demeanor. I looked her straight in the eye.

"But that’s just weird! Why are you doing it all by yourself, Yukinon?"

"It is simply more efficient that way. Besides, this has nothing to do with you, Yuigahama-san."

"But, Yukinon, you weren't the kind of person who just helped people unconditionally! …How should I put it? This request thing… it’s just not like you!"

"Eh——"

"I’m going home for today!"

Leaving behind those words, Yuigahama-san marched out of the clubroom without looking back. A moment later, Hikigaya-kun followed after her.

But I wasn't in any state to worry about that. Triggered by that one phrase she uttered, I was seized by agony and terror.

To use a metaphor, it was a fear that dominated my entire body—a sensation akin to the weightlessness of the floor beneath my feet suddenly vanishing, leaving me falling into a bottomless abyss.

"Not like… me…?"

I am not being like Yukinoshita Yukino? Why? How? Where? How did she know? Has Yuigahama-san realized I’m a fake? Has Hikigaya-kun, too?

"Not like you." To me, those were words of a curse. I recalled memories of the past when those words were thrown at me. In elementary school, when I sat with my legs apart. When I chose blue instead of pink. When I reached out a hand to a child who had fallen. In middle school, when I failed to get a perfect score on a test. When I found someone who could have become a friend.

And Hikigaya-kun’s surprised expression as he watched me about to board the limousine that caused the accident.

Every time I look back on those moments, my heart is consumed by terror. I am not being like myself. I must remain like Yukinoshita Yukino. But in reality, I am not Yukinoshita Yukino—

"…No. There’s no way Yuigahama-san would think that. That is just a delusion born from my own weak, imperfect self."

What am I thinking? There couldn't be such a deep meaning in Yuigahama-san’s words. She just felt a sense of discrepancy toward me acting a bit differently than usual. That must be it.

No matter how much I tried to convince myself, my unstable heart continued to scream in fear.

I placed a hand over my heart, which felt loud enough for the pounding to be heard. The sensation of a soft swell that did not exist in my previous life.

Ah, I feel like I’m going go mad from this groundless terror. Or perhaps, the "me" who thinks such things was already broken long ago.

"At the very least, if I can’t handle the Cultural Festival Executive Committee, then I wouldn't be Yukinoshita Yukino, would I?"

I gazed at the empty clubroom. The hollow room felt terribly wide.