Chapter 54: ■■■ Route: The Happiness That Could Have Been, Mashiro Hikari End

■■■ Route: The Happiness That Could Have Been, Mashiro Hikari

Ever since I was little, I've had strange dreams. Everyone in my dreams looks just like everyone I know, doing the same things, but there's always something a little different.

The me in my dreams is amazing, smart, and knows things I don't.

When I told my mom about this dream, she laughed mysteriously and said, "Maybe Hikari has some mysterious power and can see other worlds."

She thought about it a lot, but she said that it was the safest assumption, so she probably thought that was it.

When I was little, I didn't really understand, but I thought it was because my mom said so.

I thought that this other me, who was smart and amazing, was trying to teach me something, even though I was no good.

This other me, who was thinking things I couldn't understand, was better than me.

I was sure that what this other me was thinking was difficult, amazing, and correct.

That's what I believed, and I imitated it.

That way, my mom and dad were always happy when I imitated her.

Hiro-kun's mom, who lived next door, also praised me, saying I was great.  

If I just imitate her, everything will surely go well. Everything will turn out well.

That's what I believed when I was little.

As I grew older, I learned that her actions were not something to be unconditionally praised. I learned that she was not as good as I thought she was.

No, not just not good. She was so evil that I didn't want to believe it was me.

She was someone who acted on things that made no sense, did things that made no sense, and didn't care about the people around her.

But on the outside, she was better than anyone else and was loved by those around her.

I wish she had only shown that side of herself to me, but she was only putting on a show on the outside, and inside she was extremely free. I'm sure she noticed what I was watching, and she crawled away.

In my dreams, I learned about the world of I-chan many times.

Little by little, the number of things that I wanted to do but I couldn't decreased, and as I imitated I-chan, I even became good at woodworking. The works I made well won awards in the summer vacation independent craft class, and the works I made after practicing for a while earned me pocket money.

I also became good at studying by learning I-chan's efficient study methods, and by imitating the way I-chan's speak, I made many friends.

My life has undoubtedly been blessed, and it was easy mode. All of this is thanks to I-chan, and to me being able to get to know I-chan.

It's all thanks to I-chan.

But even so, the dreams in which I got to know I-chan's real nature were unpleasant for me.

It was painful, as if my real life was being turned upside down, and even though I wanted to help somehow, all I could do was watch.

What's so sad about it is that every night I have to watch people's life being ruined, while I-chan seems happy. No one seem to notice, even though people's life were ruined?

I want to tell I-chan that it's wrong.  

I want to tell I-chan that her idea of ​​happiness, the world she exists in, is wrong.

Without I-chan, the world would be a calmer, kinder place, where everyone could laugh and be happy.

Hiro-kun's dad is always at home on his days off, and the two close couple have another child, a younger sister for Hiro-kun. His younger sister, Chisaki-chan, looks up to me as her big sister, and the four of us often play together, including Akari.

At some point, Hiro-kun started to feel shy about being with us, but that doesn't matter.

Everyone could be happier. Not just everyone around me, but everyone around me could be happier too.

"It's a mutations, but they're like cancer cells—they're tumors of the human race, so that's perfect!"

So true. The world would run more smoothly without I-chan.

It's all I-chan's fault.

I-chan is the root of all evil.

"I hate myself for being so talented."

Is it because of talent? Is it because I-chan have the talent in her body, that I-chan's world has become so strange? 

If I-chan didn't have the talent, if I-chan was a normal girl, would no one have had to go through such tragic things?

When I think about it, I'm overcome with an immense sense of guilt, and I feel sad and tears well up.

Surely this isn't just me watching, but the person who has had their life taken from them must be suffering even more. I can feel that sadness, and the tears well up even more... I only stopped crying when I-chan comforted me and she told me she loved me... Ain't I a little too easy?

While wondering if it's okay for my life to be taken away and turned to pieces, I come to the realization that I-chan doesn't have enough of herself to be able to hate it. She doesn't have the sense of self that I was able to acquire as a matter of course thanks to my family.

It all feels so twisted and disgusting, but at the same time, I'm relieved that I-chan is not me.

I'm normal, I'm sane, which is why I feel this repulsion, but the fact that I was raised this way is because there was nothing inside me.

I had a dream. In the dream, I was undoing Hiro-kun's gloves and laughing. I was happy to see him looking sad and in pain.

I had a dream. In the dream, I was even trying to use my own chastity to torment Hiro-kun. Even though the part of me hated it, I was laughing without even realizing it. I was using his innocence, using his kindness to play with him.

I had a dream. In the dream, I was talking to a girl. The girl called me Hikari, and I accepted it. Apparently that's what she used to call me as an artist. It was then and there that I finally realized that there's was a foreign object inside of I-chan.

No, I-chan was an alien from the start. I learned that she was a different person.

Despite being such an alien, abnormal being, it seems she was originally human. I was just as surprised as when I found out about her abnormality.

Who exactly is this woman who treats I-chan like she's a normal person? I'm a little curious, but since she's just like I-chan, I can be sure she's no good.

Maybe I'll have the chance to meet her, and maybe the person I meet then has a real person inside, just me inside I-chan.

I have to be careful, I memorize faces and names, and I'm wary of people I don't even meet. Being wary might not make much difference, but it's probably better than nothing.

"Hello, Mashiro...-san, is that right? I'm a fan of the free-form woodworking projects you've made. Can I talk to you for a bit?"

Just as I was being more cautious than not, the other person buttered me.

What's more, her reason was a silly one: she was a fan of the craft project I'd given her for summer homework. She offered to buy them if I wanted to sell it, and asked me to make other things too.

There was no way I could trust her, saying all these strange, incomprehensible things, so I declined and asked her to go home. She seemed quite frustrated, but I didn't have a good enough impression of I-chan to trust someone who might be related to her.

"...Is that person an acquaintance of Hikari-chan? She had a really strange look on her face."

Hiro-kun seemed moved, saying it was the first time he'd ever actually heard someone say "grrr..."

I told him not to worry about it, since she was just a suspicious stranger, and returned his attention, which had been curious about the suspicious person, to me.

I want the person I love to think about me rather than some suspicious person.

I want him to think about his sweet, kind girlfriend, with whom he's spent so much time together, grown up like siblings, and who he's cherished so much.

To convey my feelings, I take his arm and lean in close. Clinging more than necessary is a form of marking, a claim of ownership.

Though it's not many, I can think of a few people who actually like my Hiro-kun. I have to show those kids that there's no chance of them getting in, and at the same time, make any bad guys who are after me give up.

It's easy for people to get the wrong idea about Hiro-kun, like "I'm the only one who knows all his good points." Even though there's nothing good about him that I don't know.

...So, Akari, stop pretending to be me and clinging to Hiro-kun. I don't remember raising you to be like that

...Mom! Don't tease Hiro-kun so much!

You're teasing your daughter, not Hiro-kun?Either way, stop!

"If you keep doing that, I'll start to hate you!" I say, and she asks, "Do you really hate me?"

Of course, I couldn't really hate my beloved mother, and I shouldn't even joke about it, so I snapped back, "I actually love you!"

She gave me a lukewarm look and a hug. Hiro-kun also gave me a wry smile.

I still had some thoughts about it, but it was okay.

The strange, scary thing was gone, and after that, I continued to refuse her advances, and she eventually gave up.

...She must have given up.

For a while, I kept bumping into her on the street, and she would talk to me in an overly friendly manner, but after I told the police, she calmed down. So, I'm sure she gave up.

A while after she gave up on me like that, I realized that what I was trying to do had failed.

I saw her in my dreams, as usual, and then I never saw her again.

The last thing I saw from inside I-chan was my twisted smile reflected in the mirror.

"You've been waking up feeling refreshed lately. Has your sleep quality improved?"

Hiro-kun, who lives with me and sleeps next to me all the time, says I seem calmer now that I no longer have dreams about I-chan.

At my worst, I'd wake up jumping out of bed in the middle of the night, or break out in a cold sweat and turn into dolls on the sheets, so it was probably a noticeable change that he no longer had to deal with those things.

I actually feel like the quality of my sleep has improved too.

"Yeah. I've been feeling better lately. Maybe it's because of this baby?"

I reach out to my lower abdomen, which is just starting to swell, and rub that spot, which still shows no reaction.

Thinking back, I stopped having dreams about I-chan around the same time I was pregnant.

Maybe this baby is protecting me.

Maybe this baby is why I stopped having dreams about I-chan.

If that's the case, this baby is a salvation to me.

So I decided not to think about it.

It's probably just an unfounded worry. I'm sure it's just a groundless worry to think that there's a possibility that I could do something for this child.

['Real' Mashiro Hikari Route: END]

Author Note:

I'll leave the details to interpretation. (╹◡╹)

This conclude the IF Route and bring a close to this novel for good.

Thank you for all your support. (╹◡╹)