Chapter 8: A Fleeting Wish ~Recollection~

When the sun descendeth, bearing a wound of crimson deep,

and staineth the heavens with the hue of blood,

then do the stars fall within mine heart.

And it seemeth unto me as though I did swallow the firmament of night.

— Charles Baudelaire

I am sitting cross-legged, swaying my body back and forth, on the crystal pedestal bed I made.

"My name is Werner. Can you say it?"

The bearded, middle-aged God Eater sits on the bed and tells me his name.

"We... r?"

I struggled, fighting a losing battle to repeat the old man's name.

"We... We..."

Ugh, for some reason, my voice won't come out. Has it been so long since I spoke to another person that my vocal cords have atrophied?

"Werner. Come on, try and say it."

I manage to squeeze the old man's name out of my throat.

"We, We... Wer, ner... Wer... ner..."

Come to think of it, I thought I had seen this bearded old man somewhere before, but hearing his name made it click.

Werner.

Right. Werner. Werner Gadolin. The founder of the resistance organization "Crimson Queen," and the leader of the AGEs gathered there. The terrorist group opposing Gleipnir.

If I recall, the Governor General of Gleipnir, Abraham Gadolin, was this guy's father. And Hilda and Ricardo were his peers from their old research days, and he and Hilda were lovers. That was how the game's setting went, I think.

Hm? What's a setting? A game? Huh? Why do I know all this? My head is all mixed up; I don't really get it.

But I know. This old man dies, doesn't he? By causing an Ash Storm suicide bombing. Hm? But he's alive right now, right? Huh? I wonder why.

Well, whatever. This old man... um, Werner, doesn't give off a bad vibe at all. Because he doesn't bully me. Plus, we're both God Eaters, both AGEs. As a fellow God Eater, I should try to get along with him.

"Werner! Werner!"

"That's right. I am Werner. Well said. Good child."

Werner gently strokes my head.

It feels kind of fluffy and nice. It gets warm. Big, rugged hands. Almost like a father's. My tail wags from side to side out of sheer happiness, too.

"...Ehehe, it tickles. Werner."

"I haven't asked your name yet. Won't you tell me?"

Werner asks for my name.

My name? My name? Huh? What was it, my name... I should have decided on one when I did character creation and made my avatar... Character creation? Avatar? No, no, that's not right. What is my real name in the first place...?

"...Name... Name... My name... I don't know... I don't get it... I don't know my name..."

My head feels hazy and foggy, it makes me sick.

Who am I? Who am I? Even when I try to remember, something blocks me.

...■■■■■...

...■■■...■■■■...

Something is... something is speaking to me...

...■■■! ...■■■! ...■■■! ...

It crawls around, stirring up the inside of my head. Howling like a beast. A fragment of something left behind in a distant rift, forgotten a long, long time ago.

"Hey, are you alright? You don't have to force yourself to remember. I'm sorry."

Werner's hand is gently placed on my head.

When he did that, the mess in my head settled down, and the sick feeling slowly vanished.

Oh? I feel kind of clear-headed now. My drooping tail is getting its energy back, too. You're amazing, Werner.

Besides, the fluffy warmth feels so nice.

I want him to stay like this forever.

After he patted my head for a while, Werner gave me a name.

"Bell. Your name is Bell. It's a name similar to mine. Easy to remember, right?"

Bell. My name. The name Werner gave me.

Yeah. It's a good name. It feels warm and just right.

"Bell! Like Werner! Bell! Werner! I like it! Got a name! I like it!"

I'm happy. So happy. As happy as when I got a wooden toy God Arc from my dad as a kid. As happy as when my mom baked me a birthday cake.

I'm happy. So happy. Like getting a perfect score on a test at school and being praised by my parents, or having a project I proposed at work accepted and being recognized by my boss... Wait, what was that?

Well, whatever, I'm just happy. Overjoyed, I tackle Werner with a hug.

Werner's body is big, toasty, and warm.

But I have nothing to give in return. I can't thank him for the name.

Ah, I know. I just have to give him myself.

J u s t l i k e I a l w a y s d i d.

"...Werner, thank you for the name. Bell wants to say thank you."

I squeeze the surprised Werner tightly and kiss him.

I know that doing this makes all men happy.

But Werner hates it and is trying to get away? That's weird. Is it still not enough?

I'll make him feel much, much better.

My teeth bump against Werner's lips and cut them. Red blood flows from the wound.

I carefully scoop it up with my tongue and lick it clean.

"...It tastes... like Werner..."

Werner's taste is delicious, and the inside of my body grows fuzzy and hot. Deep in my stomach, there's a tight, clenching feeling. It feels good.

Does Werner feel good, too? You feel good, right? Because Werner's thing here is twitching, too.

Ah, right. That's how it was.

"...I remembered a little. —I know. I know what to do to make men feel good..."

I recalled patched-together memories.

"...Various men, they were always angry, hitting me... They bullied me, mounted me, and when they did, they made such good-feeling faces..."

I always made men feel good like this. At first, I hated it; I hated it so much I cried and resisted, but I was punched, kicked, and rendered unable to move. Then they would pin me down...

Werner's eyes widen.

Does Werner want to feel good, too? It's okay. I can do it right. I memorized it. Where and how to touch to make it feel good. I practiced a lot.

So please don't hit me. Don't strike me. Don't hurt me. Don't bully me. I'll do it right, so please don't take away my food. Don't lock me up. I'll defeat the Aragami properly, too. I'll listen to everything you say.

I grope Werner's toned body.

Ah, just as I thought, Werner feels good, too.

He looks like he's in so much pain right here.

It's the same. Because he's a man, too. If I make this part feel good, he'll be happy, he'll rejoice, HE'LL BE HAPPY FOR ME. IF I DO THIS IT WILL FEEL GOOD. EVERYONE FEELS GOOD.

Then, Werner suddenly springs up and hugs me, holding me as tightly as he can.

"...Ah..."

What's wrong? Did it not feel good? Is he going to get mad? I don't want that. I'll make you feel real good, so please don't get mad.

"...It's alright. You don't have to do things like that... It's alright now..."

Werner gently stops my actions and speaks.

He hugs me gently and softly strokes my hair.

Ah, what is this? It's a strange feeling.

Even though I'm being hugged by another man, I don't dislike Werner. I'm not scared at all. Plus, he gave me a name.

I'm wrapped up in a faint warmth, just like my parents used to do for me a long, long time ago.

Werner, are you crying? What's making you sad? Does your wound still hurt?

I'll stroke his head. I like having it done to me because it makes me feel toasty and warm. I'll do it for Werner, too.

I'll stay like this for him until he stops crying.

There, there. It's somehow like I'm taking care of a giant child.