Chapter 60

Is this what they call "karma"?

In the dimly lit room, I sat curled up, hugging my knees, staring blankly into space.
I wasn’t doing anything. I just didn’t want to do anything.

I just wanted to exist—without acting, without thinking.

"……"

The brainwashing had overwritten his true feelings, replacing "the person I love" with "my best friend."

I learned that truth ten days ago.
That day, I realized the brainwashing magic I’d cast on Shin half a year ago—the magic that turned me, a complete stranger, into his "best friend"—had created a consequence I never imagined.

In other words… unless the brainwashing is undone, I can never truly be the one he loves.
Even if Shin does develop feelings for me, as long as the spell remains, they’ll be overwritten as "best friend" instead.

"……"

But I couldn’t just undo the brainwashing, either.

Because if I did… Shin might hate me.
No matter how kind he is, there’s no way he’d forgive something as twisted as brainwashing magic.

"……What am I supposed to do?"

Undoing the spell is hopeless. Leaving it in place is hopeless.
No matter what I choose, all that awaits me is hell. "No way out"—I guess this is what that really means.

The brainwashing magic I cast on Shin out of malice… is now torturing me.

"……What should I do?"

Even if I whisper the question, no answer will come.
The words just vanish into meaninglessness.

"……gh."

I shifted slightly, and a wave of dizziness hit me.
My vision swam. Probably from lack of sleep.

It’s been ten days since that day. In all that time, I haven’t slept a wink.
If my body weren’t so sturdy, I’d have collapsed long ago.

"……I can’t take this. I want to run away."

Even though there’s nowhere to run, the whimper spills from my lips.
Or maybe I’m just trying to escape reality—to keep living like this, doing nothing, just like I am now, curled up in this room.

……Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.
I could turn away from reality, pretend I never saw the truth, and keep playing the role of "best friend."

I could forget about never being loved and lose myself in the same happiness as before—unchanging, everlasting.
That way, at least I could stay by his side.

"……heh."

A laugh slipped out.
Was it from imagining that happiness? Or was it mocking my own wretchedness?
Right now, even I couldn’t tell.

"……Ah, it’s getting late."

I glanced at the clock—evening was approaching.
Time had mercilessly marched on while I sat here, doing nothing.

"……I need to go shopping."

If I didn’t buy groceries, I couldn’t make dinner.
I couldn’t afford to trouble Shin any further, so I had to go.

"……ngh."

Battling the dizziness, I forced myself up and got ready to leave.
Leaning against the wall for support, I dragged myself to the entrance.

"……This should be enough."

After heading to the local shopping district, I finished my errands.
Exhaustion made the grocery bag feel heavier than ever as I trudged home.

"……Huh? Shin?"

On the way back, I spotted him.
He must have been on his way home from school—there he was, bag in hand, walking a little ahead of me.

He didn’t seem to notice me.
I opened my mouth to call out, to make him turn around—

But just before I could, Shin turned a corner into a side street.
I forced my sluggish legs forward, following him.

When I rounded the corner, I saw him stepping into a shop at the intersection.

"This is… the cake shop?"

I think we came here once before.
And lately, the sweets Shin’s been bringing home… they must be from this place.

"…………heh. Heheh."

He must have come here for me.
The thought made me laugh softly, warmth bubbling up in my chest.

I wanted to talk to him, so I moved closer.
Step by step, the shop’s glass door came into view—and with it, the scene inside.

"…………………………Eh?"

When I was just a few meters away, my eyes locked onto Shin—chatting and laughing with a young woman.
Through the glass, I could see him smiling, talking animatedly, looking happy.

"…………"

I stood there, frozen, unable to process what I was seeing.
All I could do was stare.

After a while, Shin started to leave.
Instinctively, I ducked into an alley, hiding.

He passed by without noticing me.
And I… could do nothing but watch him go.

Before I knew it, I was home.

My memories were hazy, but I must have staggered through back alleys, running the whole way.

It seemed I hadn’t even had the strength to run properly—my pace had probably been slower than an average person’s. Some detached, rational part of me whispered that it was a good thing I hadn’t recklessly sprinted at full speed.

"……"

My legs gave out, and I slumped down in the doorway of the living room.
The evening sun streaming through the window felt unbearably bright.

"That… was…"

Now that I’d stopped moving, the scene I’d witnessed earlier flooded back.
That image of Shin and that woman, talking and laughing together.

They’d looked so comfortable with each other.
Shin had been smiling. And I remembered her smiling too.

…She’d seemed young.
Early twenties, maybe? Definitely not past thirty.

…Yes. The perfect age to date Shin.

"……Ugh."

Nausea surged, and I barely made it to the bathroom in time.
I hadn’t eaten since morning—maybe even longer—so only stomach acid came up.

I rinsed my mouth at the sink and stumbled back into the hallway.
Then my legs buckled, and I collapsed onto the cold floor.

"……Uu… uuuh…"

I couldn’t muster the energy to get up.
The November hallway was mercilessly cold.

"……Uu… aah… aaaAAAAHHHH—!"

The tears came.
I’d held them back until now, but once they started, they wouldn’t stop.

"Aaaaah… h-hic… uuuuuuu…!"

I’d known.
Deep down, I’d always known.

That as just his "best friend," I could never stay by his side forever.
That even if I ran from reality and clung to this fragile happiness, it would shatter eventually.

Because "best friends" aren’t lovers.
They don’t usually live together. They don’t stay together until they die.

If things stayed like this, Shin would eventually fall for someone else.
And one day, he’d marry them.

When that happened, there’d be no place for me beside him.
Of course not. I was just his "best friend."

"……No… hic… no…"

That woman earlier probably wasn’t his girlfriend yet.
I’d have noticed if she were—we lived together, after all.

But there was nothing stopping them from becoming lovers.
All they needed was time to grow closer.

Unlike me, she could be with him that way.

"I don’t… hic… want that…"

I love him. I love him so much it hurts.
And yet, I can never be loved in return—because of the brainwashing I cast.

"Why… hic… why…?"

Why did I do something so stupid?
No amount of regret could ever be enough.

If I’d never brainwashed him, I wouldn’t be living with Shin now.
But even knowing that, I couldn’t stop the remorse from tearing me apart.

"…Sob… uuu…"

What could I do to stay by his side forever?
What could I do to make him love me?

…The answer was obvious.
There was only one way.

"……Hic… I have to… undo the brainwashing."

He might hate me.
He might kick me out immediately.

…But if I wanted to stand beside Shin as more than a friend, it was the only choice.