Chapter 15: I Want to Kiss

Several days passed since we came back from the trip.

Life returned to normal—Kanata went off to work as usual, while I restarted my job hunt.

Of course, job hunting isn’t something that yields results overnight; it takes time. Still, at least I feel a bit of progress, even if it’s just a faint sense. Honestly, I go into interviews already thinking, “Yeah, this probably won’t work out,” but the fact that I’m even being interviewed at all isn’t the worst thing.

So, for the most part, it’s the same daily routine as before—but with two changes.

One, Kanata started working out. Maybe turning thirty made him notice his stamina dropping, but since we came back from the trip, he’s been doing bodyweight training while watching videos online. Just moderate exercise, but apparently it works quite well.

And the other… that’s me paying back my debt.

These days we bathe together every night, and I always wake up in Kanata’s bed. I’ve completely fallen for it—it just feels way too good.

Kanata always makes sure to take his time, thorough yet gentle, and makes me feel incredible every time. Sometimes a bath is really just a bath, but once we’re in bed, Kanata insists on “repaying the debt” and doesn’t stop until I’m satisfied. Well, I’d like to think he’s satisfied too.

But there’s one thing that bothers me.

When things heat up and Kanata’s face gets close, I really, really want to kiss him. It’s not about being in love or anything like that—it’s just that when I get aroused, I feel like pressing my lips to his.

Kanata has never once kissed me, and sometimes I wonder if this feeling is just one-sided.

And then, yesterday. I tried to kiss him, leaning in toward his lips—but Kanata blatantly turned away. He shifted his position, keeping his face distant, and that was the end of my chance for the night.

What the hell? Is it really that disgusting?

…Of course it is. I get it. I’m a former guy, and he’s my best friend. Kissing under those circumstances—yeah, no wonder he rejected me. Sharing a drink isn’t the same thing as an actual kiss.

Looking at it calmly now, I can’t blame him.

I’d completely forgotten, but Kanata has always had issues with women. And besides, he’s only doing this out of obligation—asking for a kiss on top of that… yeah, I probably overstepped. I should put the whole kissing thing aside for now.

One evening, while we were eating dinner together, Kanata suddenly invited me out.

"Nobu, are you free this weekend? Want to go somewhere?"

"Well, I’m free, but don’t take me somewhere expensive, okay?"

"We’re not staying overnight or anything. I’ll pick somewhere that doesn’t cost much, so don’t worry."

"If that’s the case, then fine. …Alright, got it! I’ll make sure to dress up nicely again, so look forward to it."

"I will. I’m looking forward to it."

"By the way… hey, Kana. Do you… like me?"

I only recently realized something. The whole “repaying the debt” thing—Kanata has absolutely no obligation to make me feel good in the first place. The reason it started that way was just because, on our first time, I left everything up to him. That’s how the pattern began, and since then he’s been going all out to pleasure me every time.

But if I think about it properly, the one who should be making an effort is me. I should be the one doing my best to make Kanata feel good.

So why does he keep doing it for me instead? If it’s really just about paying back what I’m owed, he could just as easily act all high and mighty about it, saying, “Now it’s your turn.”

Could it be that he actually likes me, and that’s why he’s been trying so hard?

After all, appearance-wise I’m a pretty girl—Kanata himself has even complimented me on being pretty. I’ve got a decent chest too. With how often we’ve been in bed together, it wouldn’t be strange if he started developing feelings for me.

But then again, he does have that distrust of women… so maybe not. And if not, then why else would he go this far for me? I just can’t figure it out.

So, I decided to ask him directly.

"What’s with the sudden question… More importantly, what about you? How do you feel about me?"

"Me? Hm… Honestly, I still can’t handle men. But with you, Kanata, I don’t feel that disgust or rejection like I do with others—that’s what makes this different. Yeah… even though things are like this now, I want us to stay best friends, always."

That’s my true feeling. Kanata is my best friend. The only difference is that, unlike with other guys, being with him doesn’t make me uncomfortable. And that makes all the difference.

"…I see. A best friend, huh. Yeah… I like you too. Sure, I’ve got all kinds of thoughts about you, but just stay my best friend, always."

So Kanata likes me as a best friend, huh. That figures. Then I guess it’s just his personality—if he’s going to do something, he goes all in.

I don’t know how to describe it exactly. It felt like something snagged in my chest—an odd mix of faint loneliness and a restless haze I couldn’t shake off.

And then, when I caught that lonely look on Kanata’s face, my chest tightened.

That night, Kanata was different. He didn’t bother with his usual consideration, and instead he was far more intense than normal. Even when I tried to say I wanted to do something too, he flat-out refused, and it felt like he was single-mindedly devouring me.

Maybe Kanata just needed to vent his own desires once in a while. I let him take the lead, but the usual pleasure wasn’t really there, and for the first time I felt a little dissatisfied. Well, I told myself, nights like that happen too.

The next morning, I woke up with a bit of an ache in my lower back. After dragging myself up, I showered and came back to the room—where Kanata was waiting, looking unusually serious.

"About last night—sorry! I went too far! …Are you hurt anywhere? You okay?"

"Yeah, too far’s right. Hm… my back’s a little sore, but I’ll live. I’m young, after all! The real question is, are you okay, Kana?"

"Don’t worry about me. What about you? Your back really okay?"

"I’m fine, seriously. I mean, isn’t it kind of a woman’s role to put up with a guy’s rampages? Not that I’d really know."

"I’m really sorry. I’ll make sure nothing like that happens again."

"I told you it’s fine. Just… maybe be a little more considerate, that’s all."

"…Got it."

It was a rare sort of night, and it left me with feelings different from usual.

Friday. We were on our third round that day of "repaying the debt."

Since the next day was a holiday, Kanata was being rougher than usual. My own excitement was higher than normal too—and the urge to kiss him was stronger than ever.

And then came my chance. I hadn’t tried making any move like that lately, so Kanata must have let his guard down. His face was right there, close to mine.

Not letting the moment slip away, I grabbed his head with both hands and forced a kiss onto him. He tried to resist, but it happened so suddenly he couldn’t react in time.

Kanata froze, body rigid. I devoured his lips, pushing further, slipping into his mouth.

It was overwhelming—relief, joy, accomplishment, and a dizzying rush of excitement all mixed together. I just wanted him, wanted more of him.

Finally, Kanata snapped back to himself. He tore my arms off him with all his strength, pulled his face away, pinned me down—and then just stared in shock.

I’m sure my face in that moment looked completely dazed.

"Nobu… why…?"

"Because I wanted to kiss you, Kana. I was excited, worked up, I wanted your lips… and I finally caught them."

I smiled in sheer happiness.

Kanata said nothing. He only pressed me down harder—and he was crying.