Chapter 16: Regret, Resolution, and Action

──Kanata View

I love Nobuchika.

Even though our relationship has become twisted like this now, my feelings haven’t changed at all.

But Nobuchika’s feelings aren’t directed at me. She doesn’t even stand on the stage of liking or disliking me—she’s just my best friend. Just the other day, that truth was made painfully clear again, and that night, I lost myself and ended up throwing my feelings at her in the worst way. I swore to myself I would never do something like that again.

I thought I understood Nobuchika’s feelings, thought I had accepted them. Even so, because I love her, I want her to be happy. Whatever Nobuchika wishes for, I want to grant it. That’s exactly why I’ve been keeping up this distorted relationship.

Repaying a debt—an act devoid of love. And yet, I still wanted Nobuchika to feel good.

But there was one line I refused to cross. One thing I decided I must never do. That was kissing.

It was a selfish line I drew, but I knew that if I didn’t, my emotions would spiral out of control. And if this was an act without love, then I had no right to kiss Nobuchika.

So no matter how heated things got, I forced myself not to do it.

But Nobuchika, in the throes of excitement, had also wanted to kiss me. She’d tried several times before. I always managed to notice and avoid it, and lately she’d stopped trying. But on the third time… I was careless, too absorbed.

Suddenly, her arms wrapped around my head, and she kissed me.

In one simple motion, Nobuchika shattered the barrier I had been desperately holding on to.

"Nobu… why…"

"I wanted to kiss you, Kana. I was excited, worked up, and I craved your lips… I finally caught you."

Her face was decadent and beautiful—not love, but drowned in lust, smeared with raw desire.

And I realized—it was me who had made her this way. From the moment I took her first time, I kept telling myself it was for Nobuchika’s sake, kept trying to make her feel good. This is the result.

All I wanted was to spare Nobuchika from unpleasantness, so I focused only on giving her pleasure. And now… she sees this as nothing more than something that feels good.

That would explain it. On the second night at the inn, traces of this were already there. We repeated it over and over. And each time, I made sure to send Nobuchika to heaven.

If it had been born from love, if it had been layered with genuine feelings, it would have deepened our bond. That would have been beautiful. But this… this is wrong.

Doing it simply because it feels good—that’s not right.

Once again, I was wrong. What I thought was kindness had been a mistake.

This makes twice.

The first time, I forgot Nobuchika’s pride and dignity, and forced on her a one-sided "favor," to the point she felt cornered into repaying a debt.

The second time, even while knowing this, I told myself at least I would make her feel good. And as a result, Nobuchika came to see this act as nothing more than something pleasurable, completely stripped of love.

I’m such a fool. I’m the one who broke Nobuchika, defiled her.

Frustration and helplessness made my tears spill. Best friend? I don’t understand Nobuchika at all. Someone like me doesn’t deserve to be by her side!

When I looked into Nobuchika’s eyes, they were clouded with lust, anticipating what came next.

"Hey, Kana… how long are we just going to stay like this?… Aren’t you going to keep going…?"

!!!!

…Once again, I almost made a mistake. This time, I almost made the mistake of running away.

If I ran now, there’s no doubt Nobuchika would end up in another man’s arms.

Abandoning her in this state would be irresponsible, would only bring her more misery.

…

I’ve decided. My mind is made up. …I’ll stop hiding my feelings and just supporting her from the shadows.

I’ll make Nobuchika fall in love with me. I’ll turn this loveless sex into sex filled with love.

I need Nobuchika, and I’ll make sure Nobuchika needs me too.

I’ll make her not just my best friend, but my woman. I’ll take full responsibility. And I’ll make sure she spends her whole life by my side, happy.

That’s what I can do. This time, I won’t make a mistake.

I’ll confess my love, and turn what we do into an act of love.

I have to start immediately—before Nobuchika is completely drowned in lust, before it’s too late.

To begin with, before and after we’re together, I’ll whisper my love to her. And during, too—I’ll tell her I love her, that I’m in love with her. I’ll urge her to say it back. At first, it might just be an act, but if it continues, my love will reach her, and her feelings will shift. That’s what it means to truly share our bodies.

She said men were impossible for her—but she also said being with me was fine. That means, if I push, it will work. No—if I have to, I’ll force it through, and make her love me.

First, I’ll lift the ban on kissing, and show her what it means to love.

With that, I’ll gradually change the way she thinks—make her see that this is something done because of affection. And I’ll make her understand that she is my woman.

"Nobu, I love you. I’m in love with you."

With those words, I immediately sealed her lips, cutting off any protest.

I taught her what a real kiss was, and when I pulled away, I whispered words of love again.

I’m sure she heard me, though she didn’t react. Well, it was her first real kiss, after all. Maybe her mind was still hazy from the pleasure. This is how it starts. All that matters is that she realizes I’ve changed.

And so, while whispering words of love, I joined with her, and afterward I held her close, caressing her, kissing her softly until we drifted to sleep.

The next morning, we went back to our usual routine, going out together. During the day, there was no need to force any change.

Days passed. Soon, my whispers of love before and after became natural, and Nobuchika began saying she liked me in return. Eventually, she even started telling me she liked me of her own accord.

By then, I began changing our everyday moments too. When sitting down, I would take her hand, kiss her, hold her in my arms, whisper my love. At first, she hesitated, but when I forcefully stole her lips and murmured words of love, she held my hand firmly.

Naturally, when we bathed together, we washed each other’s bodies, kissed, whispered love in the bath—and sometimes, made love right there.

Even after meals, sitting together, we would cuddle face to face or with me hugging her from behind, spending our time flirting.

On weekends, when we went out together, I added more changes. We held hands like lovers even in public, flirted, kissed when no one was around, and embraced.

To anyone watching, we looked just like a couple in love.

At this rate, the next step is a proper confession—and then a proposal. December is coming, with the perfect occasion.

That’s how our days went by. Nobuchika even got better at cooking, and recently she’s started making me bento lunches.

We talked about her job situation—she gave up on looking for a full-time position, and decided to look for part-time work instead. Even so, it seems she’ll keep things as they are until the end of the year.

Most likely, she does love me now. I’d say there’s no doubt about it.

And so—we promised to go out together on Christmas Eve.

By now, I’m sure Nobuchika has an idea of what’s going to happen that day.

When I told her, "Let’s go out together on Christmas Eve," she gave me a radiant smile and accepted without hesitation.

It’s been almost three months since we started living together. It feels long, but also like it passed in the blink of an eye. And thinking that all of this is about to reach one conclusion… it’s hard not to feel moved.

As the 24th drew closer, the frequency of my old trauma—my distrust of women—started resurfacing. Each time, the anxiety made me cling to Nobuchika desperately. And each time, she smiled gently, soothing me, wrapping me in warmth, calming my heart.

Can someone like me really be accepted by Nobuchika? Even now, the doubt gnaws at me.

And then came the night of the 24th. We stood together at an observatory overlooking the city, facing one another.

"Nobu—no, Nobuchika. Maybe it feels late for me to be saying this now. But let me. We’ve been best friends since elementary school. All through our student years, we were always together. After becoming adults, we drifted apart a little… but when you became a woman, we drew close again, fast. We’ve been living together for almost three months now. A lot has happened, but every day has been fun."

"I thought I’d never love a woman again. I thought I could never be in a relationship. But I was wrong. There was one exception in this world. That exception was my best friend, Nobuchika."

"I… Haguro Kanata… love Tōyama Nobuchika. From the bottom of my heart, I love you. I want you to stay by my side from here on—my best friend, my lover. There’s no one else for me but you! Please… marry me!!"

I placed the engagement ring on my palm and held it out to her, waiting for her response.