V4: Chapter 45: Fragments of a Past That Should Have Been Burned Away?

Chapter 45: Fragments of a Past That Should Have Been Burned Away?

The next day, Jane invited me to hang out.

I was simply happy, and it worked out perfectly.

However, judging from the message, she must have mustered up a lot of courage to invite me. I suspect she wouldn't have invited me if I hadn't said "Invite me next time" last time...

"But seriously, are you sure my house is okay? We could have gone to the movies like last time..." (Jane)

"Well, going to the movies twice a week is a bit much..." (Satellite)

Since she said anywhere was fine, I held onto a glimmer of hope and arranged to hang out at her house.

But, surprisingly, she wasn't that opposed... perhaps because there was no secret memo anywhere?

Normally, if something like that existed, she wouldn't want to let anyone into her house, right?

Well, there's no point in thinking about that.

"I'll bring the tea now, so please wait a moment!"

"Oh, thanks!"

Jane-chan seemed just as normal as ever. It would be pointless to try to appeal to her memories and make her regain them.

There has never been a case of Magical Girls who were "violated" by External Enemies regaining their memories, and it's unlikely to happen again.

That's precisely why they never cry themselves to sleep in terror.

The memories she erased will remain erased no matter what.

They are something even she can't retrieve.

While she was preparing the cups, I glanced around the room, fully aware that it was rude. There were various figures and goods, but I couldn't find anything resembling a notebook.

It's not a very big room, so even if she hid it, there would only be limited places... Thinking this, I opened the dresser. Hidden at the back of the chest of drawers was a silver steel tin, the kind used for storing sweets.

There's no reason to hide sweets in such a remote place; the contents are probably just what I imagine. But seeing 'it' there... my resolve is wavering.

"What's that? I already received some sweets as a gift earlier." (Jane)

"...Ah, so that's it. Well, yes..." (Satellite)

She's not completely feigning ignorance... is she?

She probably genuinely doesn't know about this box. I understood why Squire couldn't find anything when she peered into her thoughts, and why she had no hesitation in letting me in.

In other words... she erased it. The memory of this box existing, and the very fact that she erased that memory.

There's no need to hide something that shouldn't exist, and even if someone peered into her thoughts, they couldn't read something that doesn't exist.

Is the contents of this box really something that others should see?

Thinking calmly, I realized there's no way it's okay...

Even so, I'll open this Pandora's Box for her to move forward. I'm certain that the reason she keeps avoiding people lies within this box.

"It was there, can I... look inside?"

"Uh, sure. It's fine, but... no, it's nothing... but..."

I don't know if the swallowing sound was mine or Jane's.

I opened the worn, aged steel box.

Inside was an old notebook and a single memo.

The date was two years ago, and the name written in the name column was...

"Shiranui Yutaro... that's not my diary, is it? Instead of some unknown diary, how about some interesting TV...?" (Jane)

"Can I read the rest? And if... you want to erase my memory, I'll accept that too." (Satellite)

I had enough trust in her to entrust all decisions regarding this matter to her judgment, if not entirely. I'm sure it would be easy for her to erase my memory of this matter now.

"Why the sudden change... and you trust me that much? Hehe, I'm happy." (Jane)

"Well, I'm often told I'm easy to manipulate... maybe?" (Satellite)

Her voice sounded distant; was it due to my nervousness?

"Alright then... I'll turn the page."

I turned the cover of the old notebook. The diary began with a large title written on the first page.

[My Story So Far]

Holding my pounding heart down, I turned the pages of my notebook.

★★★

My My name is Shiranui Yutaro!

I don't really think I should leave something like this behind... but it would be so lonely to be forgotten by everyone, so I left this behind.

This is a story from when I was in elementary school.

From the time I was old enough to understand things, my mother often told me to refer to myself as "boku". I don't know why, but from then on, I started referring to myself as "boku."

My father gave me all sorts of presents. A baseball bat, a soccer ball, and so on. But for some reason, no one would play with me... and when I told my mother that they recommended softball instead, her face changed and she ran off somewhere.

Since then, the way my teachers looked at me changed.

It was as if they were scared...

That night, my father told me that I was supposed to have an older brother... it seems...

"Did Mom go crazy because he wasn't born?" he said.

"Don't ever said that to your Mom," my father said, and went back to his conversation with her.

It was one day when I was in fifth grade.

A boy called me a boy, even though that's impossible.

I'm not a boy, I'm a girl. Even though my clothes are a little boyish, my teacher said I was a girl, and I even use the girls' restroom.

But he said he'd never seen a girl dressed like that.

That's when I realized, maybe... Mom's mistaken.

Now that I think about it, Mom definitely seems to think I'm a boy. So I went home and told her.

I told her I'm a girl.

Then... my vision became blurry.

I slumped to the ground, and my cheek began to ache...

That's when I finally understood. I'd been hit.

My usually kind mother was angry, with a look I'd never seen before. I didn't understand why at the time, but now I do.

I'm sure I was only seen as a replacement for my older brother who never got born.

After that, I was less and less allowed to go to school.

I was hit every time I mispronounced "I."

All my girly clothes were cut off with scissors, and I started wearing pants and hoodies my mother bought.

When my hair grew long, it was cut short.

When my breasts grew, they were flattened with a cloth.

It was unsettling; both my father and mother seemed to see "something" through me. I think my parents were angry because I wasn't a boy.

Even so, I was happy.

If I pretended to be a boy and acted like the older brother in my imagination... my parents would smile.

They even told me I could go to school, and my friends seemed confused... but I was happy.

But that brief period of peace... crumbled.

Because I... awakened to magical powers.

The power of a Magical Girl, a power ONLY a girl can wield.

I can still remember my mother's face that night, clenching her teeth.

Because I awakened to Magical Girl powers, my parents scolded me a lot.

But even when they hit me, it didn't hurt at all, and my mother's hands turned bright red.

From then on, they looked at me like I was some kind of monster.

My mother started yelling at me and my father in a loud voice.

My father started going to other women's places and rarely came home.

I, a girl, destroyed our once happy family.

If only I had been a boy who was kind to everyone, cool, strong, and well-liked, everyone would have been happy.

I kept wondering, why was I born a girl?

That's when I finally realized that it was my fault for being born.

I finally understood why God gave me this Magic...

First, I erased my mother and father's memories of me.

The magic was incredibly powerful; once I used it... it spread like a lit match, erasing all memories of me.

My mother, whose memory had vanished, stopped frantically banging on the wall.

My father started coming home again.

After all, they were happier without me.

I was such a fool to realize this now.

Next, I erased the memories of my school teachers.

The teachers who used to look at me with such pain smiled after I erased their memories...

They started chatting happily with the other teachers!

I erased the memories of my close friends.

They no longer had to carry the papers for me after school, right?

I erased the memories of everyone who knew me, erasing and erasing...

In the end, I think everyone seemed happy.

What I did wasn't a mistake after all.

That's good. Can I be proud that even someone like me managed to do the right thing in the end?

...And now, I'm going to erase my own memories.

It's a little scary, but I'm also really looking forward to it.

I've left notes to help me become my ideal self, and there shouldn't be anyone who remembers me.

To my future self, even if all my memories are erased...

Don't forget that you have to become a cool boy that no one dislikes, okay?

And please, marry a beautiful wife...

Be happy for me, for the sake of me, who's about to disappear.

★★★

Both while reading and after finishing, the shock was so great that I couldn't speak.

The room was enveloped in a terribly quiet and eerie silence, the only sound being the breathing of the two of us.

"W-what..."

Personality and memory are tightly intertwined.

What if, in that context, all of the childhood memories that greatly influence personality formation were completely erased?

Wouldn't one's behavior and way of thinking become like that of a completely different person?

"W-what is this...? No, no... that can't be..." (Jane)

"This is..." (Satellite)

Self-suggestion through limited memory erasure... this was the truth hidden behind her everyday life.

The image of a boy, a substitute for the brother who was never born, an ideal envisioned by her past self and environment.

If that is what shapes Jane Doe's present self...

That's just too much...

"No, I kind of suspected it while I was reading... This is.... my past, right?" (Jane)

"Yeah, that should be..." (Satellite)

The name on this notebook matches the name on the notebook I found in that room, so there's no doubt.

Her suffering, far more painful than I had imagined, was recorded there.

"Haha, you saw something embarrassing. Haha, I see... that's how it is..."

"...!"

Even at a time like this, she tried to force a smile, and I... couldn't say anything to her.

The note she left behind said:

1. Act like a boy.

2. Be careful not to be disliked by anyone.

3. Erase your memory so you forget the 'existence' of this notebook, the memo, and the box.

Looking at the contents of the note, I understood why she had been avoiding people.

She probably kept her distance from everyone to avoid being disliked by anyone.

Because there's no way to be liked by everyone.

Then the only option is to remain indifferent to everyone.　

"What should I... do? Haha, to be honest, I can't quite accept it."　

Her empty smile was painful to look at.　

"I was... empty, wasn't I? All this time, the inside of me as a person."

"That's not true..."　

I could tell you that it's not true, but...

That would be so irresponsible, without any basis.　

"What should I... do, haha."

"Jane...-chan..."

"I'm sorry. I need to be left alone for a bit."

"Wait...!"　

I knew I shouldn't leave her alone here, but...

I didn't know what to say to her. 

I was born into a privileged family, so I can't understand at all what it's like for someone whose parents were their enemies.　　

All I could do was watch her retreating figure as she walked out the front door.