Chapter 103 : [Past Arc] Squad Leader's Record: III (Part Two)

"From now on, you're my little sister too, Tou!"

"..."

The first time we met, she... the squad leader, that is, called me her little sister.

Let me be clear. I hated it.

"One should take an objective view of things. Let's get the facts straight. First, you and I met for the first time today. Second, I'm unfortunately all alone in this world. Third, there's nothing to indicate that we're related by blood. From all of that, it follows that you and I aren't sisters. Got that?"

After all, I'd finally managed to give up. I thought I'd finally be able to live alone. And then she came barging in, shamelessly and without the slightest consideration for my feelings.

"Such things are powerless before the bond between sisters!"

"Could you please stop making up a bond that doesn't exist?"

On top of that, she closed her eyes and said it with such heartfelt conviction. It would've been unreasonable to expect me not to lose my temper.

"...First of all, who are you? What did you come here for?"

"I'm your big sis—"

"I've already heard that... Listen."

More than anything else…

"Never invoke that word in front of me again. I won't stop at punching and kicking if you do."

...For me, the only people who could ever be called my sisters were those three. That was what made this so utterly unforgivable.

"...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have forced it on you out of nowhere. We'll take that part slowly... For now, let me introduce myself!"

"...Well, fine."

The platoon leader studied my face several times, then apologized with a slightly sheepish expression. I did notice that she clearly hadn't given up on that whole big-sister business, but I had no desire to engage in any more idiotic conversations, so I let it go in one ear and out the other.

"Allow me to introduce myself properly. My name is Kirihana Suou. I've just been appointed platoon leader! Which, given our respective positions, makes me your superior. Third Squad Leader, Amahane Tou!"

"...How do you know my name... No, never mind."

I could easily predict what would happen if I asked. She'd say something like, "Because I'm your big sister," and spout some nonsense along those lines. It wasn't difficult to anticipate.

"So you're the platoon leader..."

I'd heard the rumors. There was a student who had been appointed platoon leader at the youngest age in history, someone whose abilities went far beyond what anyone could describe as merely outstanding. But at a glance, she looked considerably younger than me.

"How old are you?"

"Thirteen!"

"The same age as me... You're awfully small for that age, though."

"P-Please don't mention my height! I'm a little self-conscious about it!"

The platoon leader ruffled her hair, which faded from white to dark brown toward the ends, and made her displeasure known with every inch of her body. Watching her, I felt like teasing her a little.

"Claiming to be my big sister at that height is laughable. Wouldn't you be better suited to being a little sister, at least?"

"U-Ugh...!"

"Oh dear, now I'm beginning to question whether you deserve that title of platoon leader. I heard the prodigy in question was a monster capable of destroying training dummies with her bare hands, but you certainly don't look the part. In fact, forget being a monster. You're more like a hamster, or something along those lines. At best, you're monster food. Do your best not to be eliminated by natural selection."

"Y-You've gone too far!"

My mouth was unusually quick, stringing one word after another into fluent sentences. It had been a long time since I'd spoken so much... since I'd directed words with any meaning toward another person instead of merely talking to myself.

"...What is it? What's with that look?"

The platoon leader had the faintest smile on her lips. You could call it a smirk, I suppose.

Curious, I asked her about it.

"You’re talking to me."

"...!"

That's what she said. That's what the platoon leader said. I hadn't even realized I was doing it. It had happened unconsciously. Before I knew it, she'd drawn me in, and I was naturally keeping the conversation going.

"...Get out."

"...Tou."

"Get out...! Get out!! Right now!! Don't you ever come near me again!!"

"...Okay. I'm sorry. I'll go home for today."

Now, I understand. After everything that happened, after everything I'd become, even then, somewhere deep inside…

"...Damn it, damn it all...! Screw this...! I'm never going through that again...!"

Even though it felt like my heart was being torn apart, I was still longing for someone to stay by my side. And here I'd thought I wanted to be alone.

"I'll live alone...! I can do it...!"

Perhaps all I'd done was keep turning my eyes away from the truth. Yet the truth had been forced upon me, just below the surface. I could feel something beginning to move.

 

---

 

The next morning, I woke up as usual in my ridiculously spacious, ramshackle house. As I gazed at the charm hanging on the wall, I heard a gentle knock at the door. Whoever it was seemed to be taking care not to disturb me. I had a pretty good idea who it was.

"...Didn't I tell you to stay away?"

"H-Hahaha..."

I opened the door, making my displeasure abundantly clear with every fiber of my being. Standing before me was a familiar face, seen from a viewpoint somewhat lower than my own. She wore a light gray hoodie... and the same uniform as me. There was only one distinguishing difference: the armband marking her as the platoon leader.

"So you really are the platoon leader..."

"Yes, I am! And I'm your big sister, too. Don't forget that!"

"...Sigh... That so?"

Honestly, even responding to her was a hassle. So I let it slide. I'd expected her to say something like, "You just admitted it!" but apparently she didn't.

"Are you all right? You haven't been sleeping well, have you...?"

"Don't touch me. I'll shoot you."

She seemed hesitant, as though she were afraid of overstepping. Wouldn't it be easier to simply not come in the first place, if she was going to be so considerate? The thought crossed my mind, but…

"...Well? Why are you here?"

I asked in the same irritated tone. I'd made myself perfectly clear, and it had only been a day since our last encounter. There had to be some reason she'd come back. Even if the person in front of me was a lunatic beyond the limits of my understanding.

"No particular reason."

Apparently, there wasn't one. I was genuinely terrified. It had been years since anything had stirred my heart so violently.

"Are you, perhaps, an imbecile who can't even understand the meaning of words?"

"Th-That’s a terrible thing to say!"

Her reaction was excessive. Over-the-top, with every emotion plainly written across her face. In other words, she was easy to read.

That didn't mean I found her any easier to deal with. I distinctly remember feeling utterly at a loss when I realized my words hadn't really fazed her.

"...Well, there's something I forgot to tell you yesterday. I'm the squad leader. I'm responsible for leading four squads and issuing orders to each of them."

"...Right. That's correct. I've heard about it."

In our generation, there were eight squads. Half were led by the peculiar person standing before me. The other half—Squads One through Four, including mine—were to be led by squad leaders appointed by the instructors.

"But I'm not under your jurisdiction. I have no obligation to follow orders that contradict those of my own platoon leader."

"...Orders, huh?"

This was what made that platoon leader, Kirihana Suou, so unusual. Even at the time, her abilities were comparable to those of the more competent instructors, and in some respects, surpassed theirs.

"Yes, orders. Or perhaps I should call them teachings. ...You should know this as well. In fact, it would be strange if you didn't. Vanitas vanitatum et omnia vanitas."

And then…

"No, I don't believe in those teachings!"

"...What?"

Despite having been deemed loyal enough to be recognized as a platoon leader, she held rebellious beliefs.

"That's a dangerous thing to say. If word of it gets out, you won't escape punishment."

"Hahaha! I suppose not!"

"...Are you actually insane?"

I voiced my honest thoughts, and at that very moment, I felt a gaze crawling over me. It was slow and probing, as if she were carefully examining me. Just being there made my skin crawl.

To put it bluntly—or to use a more vulgar term—it was a creepy stare.

"...Yeah. Tou, what about you...? What do you think?"

She answered my question with another question. What did I think? I immediately understood what she was getting at.

"...Squad Leader, I'd appreciate it if you stopped trying to test me. There's no need to worry. I have no intention of rebelling. Everything is vanity."

"Oh, it's not like that. Please just think of it as a little casual conversation."

Casual conversation. Idle chatter, a relaxed exchange of words. Here in Arius, she was treating one of the most important factors of life as though it were nothing more than small talk.

"You..."

My first reaction was suspicion. Naturally. I was facing a platoon leader who had been steeped in the teachings of Arius. At least, that was what I'd assumed.

But no matter how much I thought about it... I couldn't figure out what she was trying to do.

"...Do I have to answer?"

"You don't have to. I'm sorry for asking something strange."

All I could do was evade the question. It wasn't because I had some deep-seated reason for doing so. I'd simply never thought about it before.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't care. The teachings, revenge—none of it mattered. I just drifted through life without the will to do anything, without getting involved with anyone. All the while, I continued waiting for someone whose return I'd already given up on.

"You're completely different from our squad leader."

No, perhaps that wasn't quite right. I was the one who'd been searching for a way home.

"What kind of person is your squadleader?"

My idle question seemed to change the atmosphere around her. She turned a taut, fraying thread of nerves toward me, so sharp it felt as though it might snap at any moment.

"...What kind of person, huh?"

What kind of person? Aside from possessing a certain level of ability, leadership, and command skills, that person wasn't much different from the other instructors here. Someone who treated other people as though they weren't people at all.

"An ordinary one."

That's right. It was perfectly ordinary there. It was ordinary, and the squad leader was the abnormal one. Ah, no, the Fourth Squad Leader was much the same... wasn't she? I can't really remember. I'd made a point of not getting interested in other people, after all. There were reasons for that, at least.

"Hmm..."

I heard a response like a sigh. Small, very small. Almost as if she were spitting the word out. A quiet acknowledgment that contained immense anger.

I was so relieved that it wasn't directed at me.

"...Squad Leader?"

"Yes! It's your big sister!"

Just like that, that atmosphere vanished. I felt as though I were watching a broken video tape play the same scene over and over.

For a moment, I even wondered whether I'd imagined the whole thing.

"Oh, it's already this late... Tou, I'm sorry, but I have something to take care of after this, so I'll have to leave. Will you be all right?"

But the squad leader was so completely herself, speaking to me so casually, that the opportunity to bring up what I'd seen passed me by.

"...I don't mind. And don't come back after you leave, go to hell."

"Hey! Don’t say things like that to people! ...Well, I'll be off."

The platoon leader put her hand on the door, turned to face me, and left me with one final remark.

"Let's talk again soon!"

"...!"

—She'd got me again.

Looking back, I think I'd been dancing in the palm of her hand all along. Before I knew it, I'd been caught up in her conversation, swept along at her pace, and somehow ended up talking with her for ages.

"...Why..."

I hated how indecisive I was.

"Just... stop it already..."

That same pain, as though something had been driven deep into my heart, and a warmth that seemed to eat away at my body began to spread gradually, encroaching on me.

"I don't want this anymore. I... not again..."

The guest cups and chairs that I never used when I was alone. The ticking of the clock, which seemed louder than usual. Someone else's footprints.

Every last bit of it was unbearably irritating. I kept trying to convince myself of that.

 

---

 

A day passed, then another. After skipping a day, the squad leader came again in the early morning.

"...Go home. I'm not letting you in today."

"Oh dear..."

I'd come up with the perfect countermeasure. I wasn't about to let the squad leader keep throwing my emotions into turmoil.

It was simple, really. A conversation could only happen if you welcomed the other person into it. So all I had to do was reject her from the start. And if I kept ignoring her…

"T-Tou...? Did I do something to upset you...? Um, I'd be really happy if you'd open the door..."

I was still sleepy, so I covered my ears, wrapped myself in my bedding, and continued refusing to engage. I'd even propped a plank against the door to keep it shut. I was sure that lunatic wouldn't do anything as extreme as destroying my house.

"That's right. This is better... It should've been like this from the beginning..."

"...Mmm. I suppose I have no choice."

As it turned out, I was right.

"Heave-ho!"

The only thing I hadn't anticipated was that she wouldn't break the door so much as take it apart. The platoon leader removed it as casually as you might dismantle a piece of furniture, then walked straight into my room.

"Wha— Huh...!"

I stared at her, my mouth opening and closing in utter astonishment. She even took the trouble to wipe the door clean with a cloth, fit it back into place, remove the plank... and, for some reason, go back outside and enter through the door again.

"Good morning, Tou!"

"Y-You... W-Wait, what...?"

I somehow managed to process what had just happened before my eyes, but my astonishment showed no signs of subsiding. More than anything, I had no idea where to begin pointing out how absurd the whole thing was.

Why had she gone to such lengths just to enter my room? How could she remove a door so easily? And why had she gone outside only to come back in again? While these questions raced through my mind, I'd already let an intruder into my home.

"Have you eaten breakfast? Here, I brought you some extra."

She placed something wrapped in burlap on the table. I later confirmed that it was vegetables. Then she pulled out a chair and sat down.

"...No. No, no, no, no! Just—wait a minute! Let me point out two or three things first! None of this makes any sense! How can you act as though everything's perfectly normal?!"

By this point, I'd completely frozen up, but I finally managed to reboot. Apparently, when people are dragged beyond the limits of their understanding, they simply stop functioning. A valuable lesson learned.

"...Tou, there's nothing strange about any of this. The door wouldn't open, so I took the opportunity to inspect it and do a little cleaning. That's all."

"Stop making that face! You're getting on my nerves!! What's with that smug look?!"

She tilted her eyebrows into sharp angles, crooked one corner of her mouth upward, and calmly presented a line of reasoning that sounded like some kind of sophistry.

"...Oh, for the love of—!"

In the end, I gave up and filled a cup with water for her.

"Drink that and leave!"

After all that agonizing, after all that resolve, she'd brushed my efforts aside with a bright, refreshing smile. Somehow, all the strength had drained out of me, and I no longer had the energy to resist.

"If I don't drink it, does that mean I can stay forever?"

"Then I'll blow you up along with the cup."

I couldn't exactly tolerate the remark that followed, either. But how should I put it...? In short, I'd realized resistance was futile.

"P-Please don't point the gun at me! I was only joking, okay? Big sisters don't like pain, you know? ...Thank you. I'll have some."

"Don't mention it. I'm a squad leader, after all. I have a certain amount of leeway."

I'd grown quite strong simply by surviving on my own. As a squad leader, I received more money, and I was allowed a little more freedom in expressing my opinions. I had no trouble making ends meet.

"Anyway, why come by this early in the morning? We have training, and some squads have missions after that..."

"No particular reason! I just came to see how you were doing!"

While committing the crime of drinking from her own water bottle instead of the water I'd brought her, the platoon leader made this declaration.

"Just for that? At this hour?"

"That's right!"

"Even though you'd look suspicious if someone caught you?"

"That's right!"

"Even if you had to remove the door to get in?"

"That's right—oh, I'm sorry about that!"

"...Is there something seriously wrong with your head?"

I'd lost count of how many times I'd said something along those lines, but no matter how often I repeated it, I couldn't help thinking it. The platoon leader had exceeded my expectations every single time.

"...I don't want to—"

"No."

"That was too fast!! I hadn't even finished saying it yet!"

She clasped her hands in front of herself, her eyes glistening with tears. The performance was so blatantly contrived that I decided to answer a little sooner than usual.

"Well, come on. Isn't it nice to spend a relaxing morning like this...? Right?"

"..."

—Which part of this was supposed to be relaxing?

I swallowed the words that had almost escaped my mouth with a gulp of water and managed to suppress them. There was nothing leisurely about this. It was a hectic morning, a noisy morning unlike any other.

The stillness that usually descended with the morning sun, the ringing in my ears that drove home my loneliness... for once, neither was there.

"...Whatever."

But I couldn't tell her that. If I did, I wouldn't be able to go back... No. I'd already gone back. If I told her, then before I knew it…

"Speaking of which, Tou, I brought you a souvenir! Here, look."

"...What's this?"

"It's manga."

"Are you trying to complete the entire list of disciplinary violations?"

The platoon leader had racked up quite a number of violations in the mere three times we'd met. That was when I learned not to put much stock in rumors. After all, the so-called prodigy turned out to be a lunatic who insisted on calling herself my big sister.

"What's this... Falcon Ball?"

"You can read! How impress—Ow, ow! Stop shooting at me!"

"I've wasted ammunition now. I'll have to make something up and put it in my report later..."

At last, my patience snapped, and I fired at the platoon leader's hand as she tried to pat my head. That was when I noticed it.

"...Blood?"

I smelled blood coming from her hand. I hadn't smelled it before—or rather, the strong smell of disinfectant had been masking it, hidden beneath the glove she wore.

"Sorry, I think I shot you a little too hard... Well, you probably only got a graze, but let me take a look anyway. Give me your hand."

"No, I'm fine. It'll heal quickly at this level."

"That doesn't mean I can just let it go. Give it here... Hey, come on, let me—you're really strong...!"

I tried to snatch her hand away, but it was no use. The difference in our strength was simply too great. At that moment, I became certain that she really was the squad leader everyone talked about.

Still, if that was the case, there were other ways to go about it.

"And what's with these gloves, anyway?! You weren't wearing them the other d—"

That was a mistake.

"...What's this?"

When I managed to pull off one of her gloves, I found... a bloodstained bandage. Fresh blood speckled its dark reddish-black surface. The wound must have reopened when I'd fired at her earlier.

"Ah... Well, a few things happened. Don't worry about it. And it doesn't hurt much anymore, so I'm fine! Hahaha!"

She was lying. There was no way that could be true. That wound, the distinctive way it had been inflicted... I'd seen wounds like that before. They were the kind left by disciplinary punishment.

"I'm sor—... I'm sorry. I didn't realize..."

And all the while, oblivious to what this meant, the squad leader continued treating me as she always did, as though to rub salt in the wound.

"It's all right. Something like this is nothing to me. I'm your big sister, after all."

Come to think of it, she'd removed the door with those hands and gone about doing whatever she pleased. Perhaps she really was fine. I forced myself to believe it.

Now I understand. There was no way she could have been fine. The reason she'd seemed so normal at the time was... her extraordinary strength of spirit. Nothing else.

"More importantly! Falcon Ball is really interesting! Some of the pages are missing, but the most noteworthy thing is the composition..."

After that, I listened to her talk with my mind somewhere else. I didn't even have the energy left to resist.

"What the hell is wrong with you...?"

The reason was simple.

"My head's all messed up...!!"

She'd thrown my thoughts into such utter chaos that I couldn't even put it into words. And yet the platoon leader kept talking away without a care in the world... I think that was the first time I'd ever found myself, just a little, won over by her.

 

---

 

After that, the squad leader came to my house over and over again.

"So, what did you think of Falcon Ball?"

"I couldn't figure out how to read it. What's the correct order to read the pages in this thing?"

"Ah... So we're starting there..."

Sometimes, she'd ask me what I thought of the manga she'd forced on me.

"...What happened to your arm?"

"I misjudged my strength. And it went crack! It hurts, so please pat it for me."

"If you have enough energy to say that, then you're fine. Honestly..."

Other times, she'd show up after getting into a fight with the other platoon leader and suffering serious injuries.

"Tou, how have things been with the Third Squad lately?"

"...They're going all right, I suppose. It's not like there's anything we're struggling with. Everything's as usual."

Sometimes, she'd come to ask about the Third Squad, not just about me.

We talked about all sorts of things, from trivial matters to serious topics. Before I knew it, the squad leader's daily morning visits had become part of my routine. I always treated her coldly, and yet she came back every single day.

Then, sometime after three months had passed, I began to feel comfortable with those days. That's when I realized it. It was the same. The same as back then.

"Good morning, Tou. Today—"

"...Enough already."

"...Tou?"

It had happened that way before, too. Without even realizing it, I'd sunk in up to my neck. There was someone with whom I could simply spend time, someone who was just there, sharing the same moments with me. Before I'd noticed, I'd been soaking in that poison for far too long, and it had begun to seep into me.

"And how long are you going to keep bothering me...? Just leave me alone already..."

Then I'd become dependent on that poison. And just when I couldn't live without it anymore, it would suddenly be taken away. I'd be pushed to the point where I couldn't bear to be without it.

"...I don't like seeing you all alone, Tou. And I want to be together with my little sister—"

"That's... exactly it...!! What big sister?! What sisters?! Enough with your self-serving lies already!!"

No matter how many pretty words she spoke, no matter how harmlessly she pretended to approach me…

"You're going to... you're going to leave me someday anyway...!! You're going to disappear from my life...!!"

To me, she was nothing more than a poison that would inevitably leave me alone again.

"What the hell...! What are you...? What are you, really...?! Because of you, I... I...!"

I couldn't bear to be alone, so I became dependent on something. But when that something was finally taken away... I could no longer even stand back up by myself. I knew that all too well.

"This time, too...! In the end, it's going to be the same...!"

I knew it in my bones.

"Tou..."

"It would've been better if there'd been no one there from the start... But then you came along...! Because of you...!"

It was nothing but taking my anger out on her. Those were the words I'd hurled at the platoon leader that day.

"You being here means I'm going to end up alone again...!!"

Even so, I couldn't bear to experience that same emptiness again, as though my soul had been pierced straight through.

"Haaah...! U-Ugh...!"

My ragged breathing, as though I were trying to expel my anger, mingled with the tears welling up in my eyes. A buzzing filled my ears, and I couldn't hear anyone's voice.

"Tou, calm down."

Even so, I felt someone take my hand.

"Just follow my breathing. Slowly."

I had no choice but to cling to something so fragile. Even if it was something that might crumble and disappear someday, I had to use it as a support just to breathe. I had to get through this day.

"...There you go. You're doing well. It's all right now. Let's sit down and rest for a little while."

That was the only way I could distract myself from that void.

"..."

For a while, the squad leader sat beside me without saying anything. I was bothered by how close she was sitting, but I didn't have the energy to resist.

"...People... People, you know..."

Then the platoon leader began to speak.

"Will inevitably leave someday."

"...!"

She thrust that cruel reality at me without mercy, as though to drive the point home. Something I'd already known all along.

"Moving away. Growing up. Quarrels. Death. The amount of time it takes and the way we part may differ, but someday, everyone will leave. By the time you close your eyes for the last time, they'll all be gone."

No matter what kind of creature they were—even someone as extraordinary as the lunatic in front of me who insisted on being called my big sister. No matter how invincible they seemed, they weren't. They had lives, and their lives had limits. She was simply explaining an obvious truth.

"There's probably no way to change that."

"..."

But then... if that was true, then... a world like this…

"Then being here... is nothing but suffering..."

Meeting people, parting from them, repeating the cycle again and again until the moment our lives run out. Sometimes, we're the ones who leave the other person behind. What was that, if not an endless hell?

We had to endure that pain over and over, again and again and again.

"...But... But, Tou. Even so... it's not as though nothing remains. Not ever."

But now I understand. That isn't true. That's not all there is to it.

"Memories. Things we remember. Words. Expressions. Voices. Every little thing remains inside us. And in the same way, those things are passed on to someone else."

Being involved with other people, being together with someone... Those things don't exist just so that we can eventually part.

"The loneliness left behind when we lose someone can't be filled by another person. But they can fill that hollow with other things. Different emotions. Different moments in time. So that we never forget, not even for an instant. That's what it means to live. To meet people, to part from them, and then to pass those experiences on to someone else. I think that's what it means to be alive, Tou."

"...So what?"

In fact, it was the opposite. By sharing the fact that someone had been there, that someone had lived, with someone else, we gave shape to something inside ourselves. Something that might seem meaningless, yet could become something that filled our loneliness. That's why people could go on living.

I would do the same for others, and everything would remain connected. So that not a single person would be forgotten. Even if parting was inevitable, that was surely the meaning of being together with someone.

"That's why, Tou... I'm not going to let you say something as lonely as wanting to live alone while I'm still alive. Because I want you to live."

"...Is that so? Do whatever you want."

But at the time, I still didn't fully understand. Because pain was still pain. So I responded coldly, leaving it at that.

"Well, only one of my eyes is black, though. Haha."

"Then promise me something."

"...Huh?"

I made that promise with her, who'd delivered her little joke as though it were nothing.

"Until I can stop being alone... don't you dare die..."

"..."

"Please... I mean it. Absolutely. You have to promise..."

"...Okay. I promise. I'll do my best not to die. At least until you, Tou... can live together with everyone else."

That was the promise we made.

 

---

 

And yet now, the platoon leader was throwing that promise away, trying to throw her own life away all by herself.

"Cough...! You're really strong, aren’t you!"

"Tou-chan, are you okay?!"

Now, I had companions. The other squad leaders fighting alongside me... and everyone in my squad.

"...Yeah. This much is nothing!"

The squad leader had kept her promise. She'd survived until this very day. ...Even so.

"That doesn't mean I've given you permission to die, Squad Leader...!"

Trying to disappear just like that was selfish beyond belief.

"I'll take care of Ambrosius! Yose, support the others!! I need a few people to back me up here!"

"Got it!!"

She hadn't managed to live up to the lesson she'd taught me herself back then. I'd give her an earful about it later. But first…

"Counting on you...! Squad!! SCHALE!!"

I would fight. I'd fight together with everyone, and when the platoon leader came back, I'd tell her, "See? I'm not alone anymore." So she'd better stop making that face already. I wanted to do nothing more than live together with her, all of us, with her making that face no longer.